Writing In Pencil

I guess it was somewhere toward the end of elementary school when it happened. Pencils were no longer cool to write with. Teachers WANTED final copies of important assignments done in ink and pencils were regulated to math only.

Even the plain black and ordinary blue inks seemed vibrant next to the dull graphite on the page. As a girl, I loved the gel pens of every imaginable color and even now, I find myself drawn to their beautiful colors and bright packaging.

However, in the last few months something has changed. The pendulum has swung back to the good old number 2s.  I have found that the old, standby is incredibly valuable to me and my sanity. It has been a gradual and unintentional shift, but I have definitely made a change.

Instead of reaching for my favorite ink pen - and I do have a nice one my momma bought me for Christmas, I find myself reaching for the matching mechanical pencil.

Why? The answer is amazingly simple - the eraser.

Last year, when I couldn't find a planner or agenda to meet my needs, I resorted to making my own bullet journal. I found it practical to meet our family's crazy scheduling needs and my own desire to keep everything I needed to keep us organized in one place.

When I first looked up bullet journalling ideas on Pinterest I quickly decided to set my bar pretty low for creativity and style. There are some pretty elaborate and easily overwhelming ideas to immolate on its endless boards of pins and posts. My journal would HAVE to been practical to work for me and I would HAVE to make sure my expectations would be realistic.

I didn't create a scrapbook type archive, but from a small, Walmart-bought, spiral notebook I found a place to write my to-do lists, keep a calendar, and make records of bills paid, notes written and Christmas gifts bought.

But, I found myself hesitant to write within the simple pages in ink. What if plans changed? What if I didn't allow enough room? What if the ink bled through to the next page?

So, I reached for the pencil.

Knowing I could erase, I felt more free to be more creative. If I didn't like it, I could erase it and start over. Also, I found if plans changed, because, let's face it they do - I could erase the entry and move it.

Life rarely goes like I plan. My plans often change or are changed for me. Putting them in pencil somehow makes them less set and makes it less traumatic when they alter. It gives me a way to hold my agenda and expectations more loosely.

Because the journal is my calendar and "command center," I carry it with me pretty much everywhere. As a result, so does a pencil. There are times now where I can't find a pen, but I have my trusty pencil.

One Sunday, while listening to the sermon I wanted to make a note in my Bible. It was one of those times that I couldn't find my pen, so I reached for the pencil. Again, it was liberating to write on the thin page in pencil. I erased and moved my note. Now, I find myself making more and more of these little pencil insights in my Bible.

I realize that our perfect God doesn't make mistakes. He has no need for an eraser. That fact is one of the reasons that I praise Him. His Word tells me that He has already written all my days in His book before one of them ever came to be. That is another fact that I praise Him for. Because of His perfection, He could write those days for me in a Sharpie marker.

As I write in pencil in my bullet journal and my Bible, I am student, a disciple of His learning how number my days that I might gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12). At least in my mind, as I write in pencil, I am more flexible to let the Lord direct my steps (Psalm 37:23). His plans and ways are higher than mine anyway (Isaiah 55:9), so shouldn't I make all plans in pencil to begin with? I want Him to have the freedom to change my plans. Writing them in pencil keeps me from holding my plans so tightly.

While my weekly to-do list is not grand, I want God free to dictate how I spend my afternoon. Seeing my plans written in pencil, I can easily slide something from today to tomorrow or even next week. I am able to better prioritize what really needs to be done to what doesn't. I have found windows of opportunity to simply be still and know He is God all because I have passed over the pen for a pencil.

It is in these everyday decisions and activities that the Holy Spirit and I are building a lifetime of faithful obedience. My pencil has become a tool in this process of sanctification and it is working right now for me.

It's a simple change but it has had huge implications for how I look at my days, myself and my God.

Seeking Prayers

You know you're on to something that the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you when . . .

 . . . the pastor preaches on that same subject.

I had been mulling over God's response to our prayers for a couple of weeks now and even blogged about it earlier this week.

I want to pray prayers that God always answers "yes" to.

Jesus says we don't have because we don't ask - so what is happening when we ask and we don't receive what it is we are asking for?

The pastor this morning pointed out that God is like the parent who knows what's best for us and denies us what we want when it does not coincide with what is best for us.

So, how do we know what is best for us? How do we know what we should ask for?

He used a couple of "famous" scriptures to back up his points. I know you've heard these. You may have one hanging on some artwork in your house or maybe you are sipping from a LifeWay bought mug with the words emblazoned on the side -

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be given to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

Matthew 7:7-8

After discussing this verse, he pointed out that it follows the other verse from the previous chapter that also talks about "seeking" - 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Matthew 6:33

I have accepted that on this side of heaven, I will never be an expert pray-er. I will always be seeking and learning how to better pray. But I know from these passages that as I seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness that my prayers - the things I ask God for, will be better in line with His will for me. I will learn how to ask for the things I should ask for. He will change the things I ask for.

As I read His Word and study His ways, I will learn more and more. I will be reminded that His ways are higher than mine.  As a result, I will not always know how to pray as I should. But, I know He is good. He is faithful. He will add "these things to" me. He will give me what I ask. He will open the door. 

• If my prayer is for a deeper desire to pray this way - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 
• If my prayer is know and experience His kingdom and His righteousness - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 
• If my prayer is in line with His character and making me more like Him - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 

Through prayer He grows my faith and teaches me more about Himself. Prayer is a spiritual discipline that is crucial to me being made over to be the God-follower that Christ died to make me to be.

Prayer is definitely one of the ways God is working on me in my present tense.

Answering "Yes"

Sometimes, as a parent I feel like all I ever say is "no."

Sometimes, it seems like my kids have lost their common sense to ask me some of the things that they ask me.

Sometimes, they realize this before they ever ask. Anyone of them will preface their question with the phrase, "I know what you're gonna say, but ________."

My response to this last tactic is to ask them back, "Then why are you asking me?!"

The thing is, I think they know something. Not that it is likely that I will change precedent, but that they know that I WANT to say "yes."

I want to make them happy, to give them what they want, and to enthusiastically grant their wishes. (Even if their greatest wish at that moment is to eat a large bowl of ice-cream 5 minutes before dinner - I mean, who doesn't want to eat dessert first?!)

As our perfect, heavenly Father I believe God wants the same thing we do as parents. He wants to say "yes!"

We can trust that He will always say the right thing to us at the right time. He is always faithful to keep His word to provide for us what, when and how -whatever we need - most often without our "pleases" and "thank yous."

Too often I come to Him with my long grocery list of requests, some more sincere and heartfelt than others. Too often I come to Him assuming I know how He is going to answer my prayers before I ask them - if I decide to ask them at all. My lack of faith paralyzes me from even uttering many prayers . . .
Yet, He still wants me to pray, to ask, to seek Him.

If I want God to answer a prayer with a "yes" how then should I pray?

What are the prayers that God always answers "yes" to?

Anytime I have asked for more of Him - His presence, His wisdom, His glory, His Being - He has always shown up, revealing Himself to me, growing my faith and opening my eyes to Him.

Anytime I have confessed my sin - my pride, my prejudices, my desire for lesser things - He has always been faithful to forgive me, to restore me and to change me.

Anytime I have been hurt or lonely or afraid and I have simply whispered His name - He has always been there, proving His presence to me and giving me hope to press on.

How does He do it? How does He communicate all of that to me?

At times through worship or an encouraging friend's kind words - but always, always, always through His Word.

If I want to pray prayers that God will answer with a "yes" I need to know how to pray - not to get my desired results, but His. How do I know what God desires? By being in His Word, by reading how Jesus prayed, by learning His character . . .

Although, my tendency is not to approach Bible study and Bible reading this way. I want to check it off my to do list or add to my list of religious accomplishments - not really glean an applicable truth for my life.

I came across this quote recently on Instagram:

"...taking in his words at a more reflective and enjoyable (you might even say 'leisurely') pace - rather than rushing through to cover as much ground as possible. I remind myself that the goal is to find food for my soul . . . not check boxes and just avail my mind of additional biblical data . . Call it 'eating mindfully'. . . whatever you call it, finding a slower pace goes hand-in-hand with faithfully gathering a day's portion." - David Mathis

I realized that in my task-oriented day with my long list of responsibilities it is easy for me to miss what I really need when I read God's Word. As my loving, Heavenly Father, He wants to speak to me. He wants to spend quality time with me. Like a child with a short attention span or an easily distracted teen, I trade this opportunity for an audience with the King of the World for lesser things. 

When I am honest with myself and with Him - I don't want the kind of relationship He wants to have with me. I want the things He can give me or do for me. I don't want Him. This is painfully evident in an objective look in how I pray . . . SO often I pray and "obey" thinking He doesn't already know my real motives. My prayers are feeble attempts to manipulate Him into giving me "yeses" for the things I want.

1 Chronicles 16:11 tells me to "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually." In all transparency - I don't want to do that. That does not sound like fun. That seems boring. 

So, what should I do? I have found to ask God something that He will always answer with a "yes." 

Anytime, any of us asks Him to give us a deeper, more real desire to be with Him, to be in His word, to want to want Him - He always answers "YES!"

The process of how He answers that prayer may be hard and even painful. Deuteronomy 30:6 tells us: "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your off-spring, so that you will love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." 

Obviously, I have never experienced physical circumcision. I do know that it involves cutting. I can imagine that it could be very painful in very sensitive ways. This spiritual circumcision of our hearts is no different. 

What does God use to cut out the bad parts of our hearts, the parts that want the gifts but not the Giver? 

His Word. Check out Hebrews 4:12: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, discerning the thoughts and intensions of the heart."

Now that's sharp. 

And it's another reason to be in, really in - His Word. 

Notice that as parents, that the above verse from Deuteronomy says that God will circumcise the hearts of our off-spring as well. As we read and are in the Word, we must expose our kids to it too. As much as I want God to answer my prayers with "yeses" I want Him to answer their prayers that way too . . . How am I teaching them to pray? How am I teaching them to read God's Word? What is the example that I am setting?

I want to answer my kids with "yes," and I want God to answer me with "yes." What's the condition of my heart? What does His Word say about it? Is it about me and what I want OR is it all about Him and what He wants?

Prayer and Bible study go hand-in-hand and are both necessities of spiritual growth. How we pray and what we pray for is directly impacted by what we learn from what God communicates to us in His Word. 

The Middle

"Rejoice in the Lord always, 

Again I will say, rejoice."

Philippians 4:4

I always assumed that this verse was found in Psalms. I mean it sounds like a Psalm. It sounds like something David would have written and sung and danced while singing.

But, instead, this passage is attributed to Paul. He wrote it to the believers in Philippi, believers facing immense persecution for their faith, who would have found this exhortation hard to swallow. 

While I cannot relate to their persecution, I do know how hard this verse is to obey . . . 

Rejoicing in the Lord is easy when everyone is healthy and happy, when things are going well and turning out how I had imagined and envisioned. Expectations are being met. Life and God are both good. 

However, "always" means "always" and life isn't always good - even though God is. I should still be able to rejoice when life is busy, when it is stressful, uncertain and not-at-all like I want it to be. Why? Because even when life isn't, He still is - good.

When the "bad" things happen and I find myself in the midst of negative life circumstances, I have learned that Paul's instructions to rejoice are invaluable. I NEED to worship, to turn my attention from my situation and from my feelings to the One I know to be Lord over them- all my feelings as well as all my situations. 

But, the hardest place for me to "rejoice always" is in the middle. Praise and worship comes easy for me in life's highs. It is my go-to for survival in life's lows. Yet, we don't seem to live day-to-day in either extreme. Most of my life anyway is somewhere in the middle. 

The middle is the mundane, the everyday, the routine. The middle is the endless piles of clothes and dishes. The middle is the way my almost 5 year old messes her room up as soon as we clean it up. 

The middle is where my contentment is lost and I begin to wonder if what I do really matters. 

The middle is where Satan attacks my weakest points and causes me to doubt. Questions creep from the farthest reaches of my mind, clouding my view with insecurities and fears. What is my purpose? Who really cares? Why should I care?

Then come the comparisons. If I am honest this "envy parade" seems endless and is a constant struggle. I wish I was doing what she is. Why won't God use me like that? If only, my house were a little bigger or my wallet a little fatter or my waist a little smaller - then I could do more, have more, be more  - All for God and His purposes - of course!

Yet, that is when my focus couldn't be farther from Him and His purposes. My eyes have fallen from His throne, His glory and His goodness to my agenda, my purposes and my definition of success. 

This is the place, the middle, where it is the hardest for me to rejoice always. 

I read this quote online a little while back and it has stuck with me:

"Cease endlessly striving for what you want to do and learn to love must by done."

-Goethe

I don't think this German philosopher would hold to my theology of God, Christ and His church, but his words here are definitely wise and worth taking into consideration. - As a Christ-follower, my life is no longer about me and what I want to do, even if the things I want to do are things I want to do for Him. I have surrendered my life to Him, making Him my Lord and relinquishing all rights to myself.

Each day I should rejoice with the knowledge that He goes before me, is with me and guards me from behind. Here, especially in the middle is where He grows my faith to appreciate the highs and endure the lows.

Yes, these "middle" days are filled with lots of loads of what "must be done." However, if I fight this mental battle by capturing the thoughts that are contrary and sinful, and if I choose to rejoice always - the battle will be won and I will come to appreciate and even love the things that must be done.

How am I sure of this victory? Christ's death and resurrection assures the ultimate victory over my sinful ways. As He works in me and I work in Him, God gives me the switch and the ability to flip it. What I have to do becomes what I get to do.

I can appreciate the laundry because He has opened my eyes to realize that each sock represents an incredible blessing - a person who enriches my life, whom I love and who may not always be there. I can pray protection over the foot it will cover - that those little feet may be careful where they go. That chore loses it's power to sway my attitude and to shrink my vision of God.

Gratitude replaces discontentment. Comparison gives way to appreciation. Fears subside into growing faith.

When I rejoice in the Lord always, especially here in the middle, my focus stays fixed on God. He dictates my perspective and leaves me longing to stay in His presence.

And as David did say in the Psalms that is a pretty good place to be:

"You make known to me the path of life; 

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore."

Psalm 16:11

A Good Weekend.

It's 8:30 pm on Labor Day.

I didn't do much on this three-day weekend. Well, I did get a few things accomplished. I am pretty much ready to drop off 80+ items for a local consignment sale. The laundry is caught up. I deep cleaned my kitchen. With Wally's help, my floors are cleaner than they were this morning. I played "Memory" and "Monopoly Empire" with my daughters.

Yet, as I reflect on the last three days, I can't help but think I could've done more. Maybe I should've done more. I have yet to see if there are old costumes in the dress-up box that could be consigned. I am sure that if I sorted the clothes in the hamper, I could run a load yet tonight. And I didn't even try to clean the oven.

I get on Facebook and Instagram. There I see the memories my friends made with their kids over the long, holiday weekend. Soon I find myself thinking maybe we should have taken the girls somewhere and done something with them.

Or, maybe we could've tackled one of those projects we never seem to get around to getting done because we tell ourselves we don't have the time. If I had better thought through this weekend, if I had planned more, then maybe the bathrooms could've been painted or the mulch laid or the basement cleaned out.

It doesn't take much for my mind to spiral into a black hole of regret when I really don't have anything to regret. Whether I am comparing my life to the social media image of "everyone" else or fighting my own unrealistic expectations of myself - my thought life can be a weary place to reside, where the glass is rarely half full and always seems to be half empty.

Can anyone else relate to the striving? The feelings of inadequacy? To the idea of enough?

Overall, I have had a really GOOD weekend. I have been productive. I have rested. I have worshipped. I have played. I have exercised. I have planned for the week ahead. Yet, I am not content . . . I want more . . .

Success is only elusive if we are the ones defining it. If we allow God's definition of success to pervade our thoughts and permeate our motivations, we will find contentment.

He calls us to "be still." He tells us that His "load is easy" and His "burden is light." Yet, I struggle to live that way -still with an easy load and light burdens.

I read this on Instagram recently and it really hit home:

"We want formulas for victory, but God is forever reminding us the He alone delivers, and His greatest purpose in us isn't for our success, but our surrender." ~Ruth Chow Simmons

I SO want to take each day and receive it as the gift from God that it is, -to be faithful in it with the relationships and responsibilities that God has laid in my hands that day - not worrying about precedents that might be set for tomorrow or what tomorrow itself might hold. It is a definite balancing act and the tension is real.

But if I believe that the day and what it holds has passed through God's providential hands, then when the sun sets on it, I must have the faith that His grace will cover what I did and didn't do. If I did what I did "as for the Lord," living in surrender to Him, then no matter the outcome, it would be successful - maybe not by my standards, but by His.

As a mom, heck, as an adult - there are a lot of things that I do in a day that I will simply have to get up and re-do tomorrow. As long as the Lord-tarries and we live in this fallen place, it is easy to become weary in what seems like the mundane and even meaningless.

I want to find success in feelings of accomplishment. But my goal should not be in the doing or in the getting "it" done.  Instead my goal should be stepping aside and allowing God to assign the value for my days, then I am guaranteed success - for His purpose and plans are never thwarted. The day is no longer about me and what do with it, but rather what He does through my surrender of it.

My expectations and plans are what I need to surrender. This is the place where He can then redeem my 24 hours and do more than I could have ever asked for or imagined. From this perspective, I can rest tonight. I can be assured that my weekend was indeed good. I can get up tomorrow ready to do it all again.

I can rest because God has finished all the work on my behalf. God rested on the 7th day because His work of creating the heavens and the earth was done. Jesus sits on the right-hand of the throne of God, because His work is accomplished. Then, why do I keep struggling, questioning and doubting if I measure up? Because my focus is on myself, on others, on anything other than God.

So tonight, I wrap up this post and find an hour and a half has passed. It's been good for me to reflect on what God has shown me and grown me this weekend. No, we didn't invite that couple over for fellowship. But, God has shown me His grace and given me a sense of sufficiency that what He did with this weekend was good.

It was a good weekend.