The Lost Post

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

Last Saturday morning I thought I had the perfect window to write a post for this blog.

I had actually started it a couple of days before, and knew this topic would be relatable.

I sat down at my desk in my kitchen and began to type. The ideas seemed to be flowing and I was easily able to track down the quotes and scriptures I wanted to use. Soon, I realized that it was taking longer than I had anticipated - a lot longer...

It didn't take long, however, to feel my patience wavering with the seemingly endless string of innocent distractions and interruptions. A certain 5 year old kept wanting me to see the progress she was making in her attempt to clean her own room. Another child, this one 10, kept me informed on her plans to play next door with her BFF. Then occasionally the teen would seem to aimlessly wander into my space with a question or two that she, if she were honest with herself, already knew the answer to.

Finally, as I was trying to reread and edit the piece before hitting "post," I heard whistling.  Growing up, I can remember my dad walking around the house whistling all the time, but as I married woman I can't remember the last time I heard my husband whistle. Without thinking I found myself asking him, "Why are you whistling?!"

He shrugged his shoulders and responded, "Because I can?" I know and fully trust that he was not in any way trying to sabotage my writing. He is very, very supportive of this space - but the whistling was the proverbial straw that broke this camel's back.

In an act of desperation to finish, I picked up my laptop and retreated to my bedroom. As I closed my door, I reprimanded myself for not going to Starbucks or Panera or anywhere to write. I finished proofing the product of my last couple plus hours and hit "preview" to see what you would see on the blog. An error message appeared. As I tried to figure out what was happening, the same error message appeared a couple more times. Fearing what would be the inevitable, I hit "save." I had never lost a paper or a report or a post before . . .

There is a first for everything . . .

In the week that has passed, I have wrestled with losing my work, my thoughts, my time and my effort. I have nothing to show for it and I honestly mourned a little over it.

Maybe God didn't want me to post it? Maybe Satan didn't want me to post it? Maybe I should rewrite it? Maybe I shouldn't?

Maybe I will - one day, but today isn't that day.

As I have prayed over the whole debacle, I have realized that my lost blog post has brought to the forefront an ongoing, reoccurring struggle of mine. It's more than just being able to "sabbath," to set aside time to intentionally rest, reflect and recharge in the Spirit, in the body and in the mind - but I have a definite need and desire to be productive, to leave a mark, to have something to show for my time.

During the school year - which because of my job, is also my "work year," I procrastinate projects to the summer months. This May I actually wrote out a list of all these things I wanted to do with my summer - clean out the basement, clean out the garage, paint my bedroom, paint the playroom, re-pot some houseplants, have lunch dates with friends, read fiction books, spend quality time with my children.

With the end of June and the beginning of July descending upon us, I am very aware of quickly my summer is slipping away. There are SO many things I am wanting to accomplish and I am growing more aware that some things just won't get done. Last week when the blog didn't get posted I felt that I lost more than my words. The loss of an entire morning was seriously depressing.

The Holy Spirit has gently pointed out that I have a pronoun problem.

I never wanted this blog to be about me - but about Him. Maybe my motivations were off as I wrote that lost post. The heaviness surrounding its loss revealed many feelings of ownership and pride.

My prayer for this summer is that it would be a season where I had the time and could intentionally seek Him. After all, that has been a theme for in my Sunday school class for teens over the last 6 weeks.

But if I am giving Him my summer, then why is the stubborn wallpaper border I am removing from my bedroom walls so frustrating? It is taking so long, I have not opened the first can of paint yet! Again, my feelings and reactions reveal something about my heart. Not that I shouldn't try to paint my bedroom, but my attitude about the work has left me questioning: Have I really given my time and attention purposefully back to Him? Am I letting Him guide my steps and order my plans?

"Me."
"Myself."
"My."
"I."

He has used the lost post to show me that He IS answering my prayer for this summer.

I truly want it to be that I would seek Him first and trust that He would add all the things second.

Yet, when my post was lost, I couldn't just accept it and move on. I complained and felt crummy. I let my feelings cascade into a place of failure - because I had "wasted" my time and my energy. . . .

Maybe I was only supposed to process those feelings and write those words for myself. I couldn't look at it that way at the time. But with time, comes perspective...

Maybe the post was lost so I would re-examine the why I am doing the things I am doing this summer, so I can re-prioritize my to-do list, so I can accept that, like my house, my heart is still and will continue to be, a work in progress too.

Each day this summer is a gift. My girls will never be these ages again. August will all-too-quickly arrive and the busy routine will return. My prayer is that I will hold MY plans loosely so I can experience the blessings HE is gracing me with today.

I can now definitely and definitively say that I see His grace in the lost post.

Unexpected Grace

Here is my "Unexpected Grace." 

Normally, like 9.5 times out of 10, I enter and exit our house through the garage. In all our comings and goings, it feels like I do that at least 20 times a day. So it is not unusual for me to go a few days without actually taking the few steps off our small porch and down the brick pathway to the driveway.

It is usual for me however, to see Wally off out the front door and to swing the front door open to allow sunlight to fill the entry through the closed storm door. This afternoon, as I did so, I noticed something on the front walk right in front of the steps.

Small and white and thin, I had to take a closer look.

In my amazement I realized it was a petunia. Somehow, someway, the small but sturdy flower had grown up between the bricks.

I had not planted it there. I have not yet bought my petunias from Lowe's. Every spring, around Mother's Day, I purchase the small plants already blooming to fill my porch pots and put a few around the geraniums that I buy too. I want to have the green thumb and the patience to plant my flowers from seeds, but I can't seem to control those little boogers very well, so I opt to exert my control over my flowers where and how I can.

 But . . . this little guy seemed to come out of nowhere.

I called for my oldest daughter to come see. She obeyed, but failed to understand what I was so excited about. When Wally came home, he walked right passed it, probably narrowly missing it with his man feet, and humored me when I drug him back outside to show him the unlikely bloom. My middle daughter noticed it right away and seemed to connect with my awe from where the tiny flower had originated, but didn't really appreciate how this little annual was acting all perennial.

I shared with my good friend Ms. Maxine about this little flower when she called with a work related question. I told her I couldn't figure out where the petunia had come from and how it had managed to thrive in such an unlikely place. Without hesitation, she said, "Well, by God's grace - that's how."

Instantly, I knew she was right. As I pondered the grace of God that would grow an unexpected flower in an unexpected place, I realized that in a way, His grace was extending far beyond growing a plant to create a little excitement in my Monday. He was revealing so much more to me.

In both my home and work lives, May is a crazy, busy month, rivaling December with all its responsibilities and obligations. Recitals, award ceremonies, field days, a birthday, staff evaluations, parent involved programs, teacher appreciation gifts . . . There is a lot going on.

It is easy to become quickly overwhelmed and extremely weary less than a full week into the month. When do I have time to connect with God? How can I fill my cup with Him - especially when I know that I need Him the most?

That little flower today was like God showing me that He is in the middle of all the crazy. He can be found. In the simplicity of a flower, if I open my eyes to appreciate that He has not left me but more than that - He has deliberately shown me that if I have eyes to see and a spirit to appreciate - He is still revealing Himself to me. He is more than meeting my needs. He is answering my prayers and is continually revealing Himself to me.

His Word tells me that I will find Him when I seek Him. He is faithful to allow me to find Him. Wasn't this the lesson I had tried to teach the teens in Sunday morning Bible study only yesterday? Today, I found Him in a petunia growing between the bricks of my front walk.

I want to contemplate this small, amazing grace and appreciate what God has done.

I want my eyes to see where He is working, and I don't want to be too busy that I miss it or worse yet step on it in my ignorance.

I want to value these moments of grace, but I know that has to start with recognizing them as they come.

I may not be in control. I may not know how everything is going to come together. But, God is in control and He knows how to develop beauty around and in me that I cannot begin to fathom.

God, these next few weeks are insanely busy. I know that I will only be able to appreciate these big moments and take care of all that needs to be done with the help of Your hand. Thank You for the small petunia with all it's deeper demonstration of grace. I sure didn't deserve it, yet You are extremely faithful to answer my requests of You to show me more of You. Thank You for the assurance that just as You grew a small flower between the bricks, You will continue to meet my needs for my growth too.  .  . even in this particular busy and unlikely season, You are most definitely still at work above and below the surface.

Good Friday's Cross

Recently, I was excited to attend an event where one of my favorite authors would be speaking. One of my best girlfriends and I grabbed a nice dinner beforehand and we made our way to the venue. Before we found our seats, we saw and connected with ladies from all over town and various phases of our lives.

The worship was on point.

The Holy Spirit moved.

It was definitely where I was supposed to be that night.... but....

I couldn't put my finger on it. My girlfriend and I spoke about it some as we left that night. My sister-in-law also chatted with me about it the next day. Another friend who attended shared with me in the hall at church a couple of days later. - We were all glad we were there. We all felt the Spirit move - yet we all felt something was lacking....


This morning, in my devotional time, on Good Friday - it clicked . . . .

The text that night was Romans 8:1. The title of the tour was "The Freedom Project" and the passage was perfect. The author/speaker effectively and eloquently, transparently and profoundly led the women in attendance to lay down the sins of our past and challenged us to faithfully live out the truth of the verse -

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

By God's grace, He allowed us to feel the pain of exposing our sins . By His grace, we found accountability in confessing them aloud. By grace, we saw our sins for what they are, we felt real regret for their presence and prevalence in our lives, and we were able to feel forgiveness for what had been exposed. 

As one lady yelled from the back of the room, "There is NO CONDEMNATION!" and we all clapped and we all cheered.

So what was the hang up? Why couldn't I just chalk it up to a great night and move on? 

This morning, I read a devotional though by John Piper and he used the word "condemnation" and it all came into a clear focus. He wrote, "The death of Christ secures our freedom from condemnation (Romans 8:1). It is as sure that we cannot be condemned as it is sure that Christ died.... Condemnation is gone not because there isn't any, but because it has already happened..."

There is no condemnation for my sin BECAUSE Jesus took it for me. His death on the cross was the condemnation that my sin deservedly required. Good Friday is "good" because the price for my freedom from condemnation has been paid in full. Good Friday is ALL about condemnation. 

I was thankful for the "late" date of Easter this year. I thought it would give me more time to prepare my heart and the hearts of my daughters. But everything I tried so far this year was feeling coerced and contrived. Nothing was feeling authentic, but more like I was just going through the motions. 

It came to a head at dinner last night as Wally and I tried to talk to the girls about the significance and gravity of the night before Good Friday. Maybe it was Satan's distractions or our lack of prayer, maybe it was our approach or their own internal battle with their unrepentant hearts - but it just wasn't happening. (Honestly, it was most likely a combination of all of those things.)

Disappointment would be a good way to describe my mood as I prayed before bed last night. It had been an overall really good day with lots to be thankful for, but this was not spiritually how I wanted to spend this holy weekend ending in Easter. I asked for His intervention and He definitely delivered this morning. 

As I read my devotionals and felt the ending of the message started by that speaker dawn on my heart, the weight of the glory of Good Friday became real. 

Bible scholars call it "substitutionary atonement." Christ took my place, my punishment, my condemnation, that I may know His freedom, live my created purpose and pursue a relationship with God. 

"It is good to look back and celebrate the rescue of grace. . . . Grace lives a the intersection between clarity of sight and hope for the future." These were a few of the words of Paul David Tripp's in his devotional for today in his book "New Morning Mercies." 

"Intersection" - a crossroads, where two ideas converge . . . My mind went to the vertical and horizontal beams of Good Friday's cross . . . 

At the cross, grace allows me to look back and look within and leave my sins. Grace also enables me to look ahead at my present circumstances and future destinations with hopeful resolve. Vertically, my relationship with God is restored and my future is secured. Horizontally, I can see God restoring and redeeming my past, my relationships and my everything for His purposes. 

This morning, the "therefore" and the "in Christ Jesus" of Romans 8:1 is my mediation and my worship's focus. He heard my prayer last night. He wrapped up the spiritual longing I had been feeling. He began to truly prepare my heart to celebrate why I have no condemnation in Christ Jesus this Easter season. 

Now that He has placed my heart in the right position, I pray that He will use me to influence the other four hearts that call this house home too.... 

(By the way, I hope this author comes back to Clarksville, or Nashville or somewhere close soon . . . I will definitely be buying tickets!)

Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

Prepping for Christmas

I am officially ahead of "the game."

I am not entirely sure of the rules or even who the other players may be. I don't know if there are officials or umpires or even fans cheering on the sidelines.

But, I am sure every gal out there can relate to the craziness that is December with its endless to-do, to-buy and to-make lists. I have seen holiday planner books to help keep lists of all the lists we tend to make during the Christmas season.

This year, however, I feel like things are under control. No, I don't have all the gifts bought or the first package wrapped. I don't even know what I am buying most of the peeps on any of my lists - but I've got peace.

I have seen several things get bumped off my list until after the 25th. I have also had the extreme satisfaction of crossing several other things off my lists. Things I have never had done this early in the month are no longer dangling over my head. I've got peace.

Yes, the Big Day is getting closer with each move of the star on the girls' advent calendar that hangs on the fridge. But, it's okay. I've got peace.

With this peace comes the freedom to enJOY the lights on my tree with the coffee in my cup.

This morning, I felt a little uneasy and even a little threatened by this sense of "winning" this game the Christmas season has become. I even joked with my co-workers that I felt a little nervous too and confessed that I questioned God with what He might know is in store for my next couple of weeks.

Then as the day progressed, I realized that by His grace alone, I have been intentional to seek Him and abide in Him as this season of advent has begun to unfold.

There is nothing magical about the Paul David Tripp devotional I am reading. True, I have been worshipping to Chris Tomlin's Christmas CD in the car. Prepping to teach the ladies at church from another great advent devotional has made an impact too.

For the first time in MANY Christmases, I am intent to make sure that this season is a spiritual one for me. His Word tells us that when we seek Him we will find Him. (Jeremiah 29:12-13, Matthew 7:7) This is my game plan, my strategy and He is keeping His Word.

I have been convicted on how I prep for every other aspect of the Christmas season. I list. I stress. I run. I spend. I mean to bake. Then I wonder what happened and where the joy of the holiday went. I welcome January and the chance to start over feeling as though I missed something vital.

Don't get me wrong. From the time I was young I could tell you Jesus was the reason for the season, but my actions and attitudes rarely reflected that.

This year as I seek Him first, He is adding the rest -both in the sense of the things that "must be done" getting the attention that they need and in the sense of the "rest" that usually seems so elusive during the days after Thanksgiving.  (Matthew 6:33)

My question to you is the same question I asked my Sunday school class this week. "What are you doing to prep for Christmas?" These teens and I discussed and defined "advent" and "incarnation." Maybe I will blog about that too . . . But in the meantime, please share with me how you are preparing your heart to celebrate the birth of our Jesus?

Grace - Saving and Covering

The posters and other promotional material were soon all over the church. Before I knew it, the same hip graphic and my name were also being pushed out on the church's social media platforms.

Honestly, it was -and still is- humbling and intimidating to see the words "Key Note Speaker" next to my name. With the idea of "Ted Talks" and the experience of attending other conferences, my fear of what the attendees might expect of me was a very real thing.

So, I decided to start my talk with a disclaimer. I am no expert.

The conference was on parenting and prayer. Yes, I am a parent. Yes, I do pray, believe in the power of prayer and can testify to prayer's efficacy. But my kids are far from grown. They have real faults and I fail them often. I don't pray like I should, often making it my last resort instead of my first and I keep my conversations with God far too general and generic.

Even before I began, I knew my 20 minute time limit would push me. I had too many pages of notes, too many quotes I wanted to share and too many thoughts I wanted to be sure and convey. I wasn't surprised as Pastor John slowly approached the front of the room from the spot in the back he had assumed after introducing me.

I found myself scrambling to finish my thoughts, silently praying that somehow, someway God would bring cohesiveness to my words and that what He wanted communicated was somehow accomplished.

From the moment I finished into the next week I fought Satan's taunts. I kept striving to hold to the belief that God had answered the prayers I prayed for the event. From the time I had been asked to speak, I had prayed that He would speak through me.

I had even recruited close friends to pray for me that way too. Faithfully, several of them approached me after the event, asking "how'd it go?" Even last night with several friends inquiring, I found myself explaining how I was just trying to trust that God somehow said what He wanted said through me.

Today, God confirmed that He did answer all those prayers.

My friend and her husband had attended the conference. Immediately afterward she complimented me and I had dismissed it as polite platitudes and discounted her words. Somehow in my head, the notes I hadn't gotten to, on top of the ways I swayed from my outline were somehow greater than the kind things she had to say.

This morning she stood in my office and renewed her gratitude for what I had shared that afternoon. I started to dismiss her kindness again, when she stopped me cold by asking me if she had already told me about her son's conversion. Knowing and loving her little man, I told her she had not, and could not wait to hear all about it.

She shared specific words I had said and how another one of the presenters had encouraged the couple as well. That very night, after those sweet parents had prayed driving home, their son made his desire clear that he wanted to be a Christian and they guided him to accept Jesus as his own.

I felt the goose bumps rise on both my arms and legs as she spoke. God had used me. He had answered my prayers and the prayers my friends and husband had prayed for me. And now, He let me see how.

He didn't have to do that. Yet, he did. I could've lived the rest of my life never knowing how He had answered my prayers - but He allowed me a glimpse into eternity to see how He did use me.

Grace upon grace.

After I finished speaking that afternoon, I attended two of the breakout sessions and took notes. Parenting and prayer are two areas of my life that I can always learn more about. I want to grow in my practices of both.

Maybe I will blog about that someday. Maybe I will share my notes here that never made it to the conference attendees that afternoon . . .

But for today, I am choosing to thank Him for the ways He answered my prayers for speaking at that conference. God gave me victory over my insecurities and short-comings. He silenced Satan's accusations. He allowed me to see how He was indeed glorified in and through this sinner's words and actions . . . His grace has saved me and it continues to cover me.

If His grace would do all that for me, I know He will use it to do all that for you too. How has God's grace covered you recently?

Thoughts and Feelings

I got off the phone and could feel the lump in my throat rising. The hot tears began to sting my eyes. I did not want to cry.

My head knew that God was in control, He would provide and His timing was always perfect. But my tears revealed the reality of what had happened in my heart.

I had slowly but ever-so-surely in my inmost being taken back control of what I would have professed with my mouth that I had given to God, claimed was His and thought I had entrusted to Him.

In the grand scheme of life, the situation was far from life-threatening or even life-altering, but the tears that spilled down my cheeks and my cracking voice revealed so much more. Their presence revealed my true lack of faith and how I had begun trusting in my own abilities at some point. At some point my sinful pride had entered into the equation and the unexpected phone call was God's gracious way of waking me up to its presence.

He could have allowed me to go on that way - thinking that I had everything under control and I was handling things oh-so-well and I was providing. But He didn't. He intervened. He exposed my sin.

The exposure was private. He didn't want to shame me publicly. He DID want to wake me to the unintentional place I was in. He loves like that - not wanting me to remain in the darkness but to use the light to show me where He is working. (Had I proceeded in the way I was and not acknowledged my sin, HIs next "wake-up call" to me may have been more public. He loves me THAT much. He will do the hard things.)

That day my tears of frustration melted into tears of embarrassment and then tears of confession.

Unknowingly, I had accepted and adopted these sinful tendencies. My mind still knew all the "right" words and thoughts, but my heart was far from actually believing and walking in them. My emotions that Friday afternoon were the barometer that God used to show me how far my heart had wandered from what I thought . . .

His restoration was sweet and His reconciliation to Himself was simply good.

In the days that followed, I was able to rest. He gently told my soul, "This is mine. I have always had it. I will take care of it."  I was able to leave it in His more-than-capable hands. He continued to be faithful. I turned my attention to my family. He blessed our time together and allowed me to go through the week without worry.

It's been two weeks today since I got that phone call. This issue is not resolved, but He is providing. My prayer life and my perspective are changed. My faith is growing. He is more than sufficient. And I am learning even more about abiding in Him . . .

Seeking Prayers

You know you're on to something that the Holy Spirit is trying to tell you when . . .

 . . . the pastor preaches on that same subject.

I had been mulling over God's response to our prayers for a couple of weeks now and even blogged about it earlier this week.

I want to pray prayers that God always answers "yes" to.

Jesus says we don't have because we don't ask - so what is happening when we ask and we don't receive what it is we are asking for?

The pastor this morning pointed out that God is like the parent who knows what's best for us and denies us what we want when it does not coincide with what is best for us.

So, how do we know what is best for us? How do we know what we should ask for?

He used a couple of "famous" scriptures to back up his points. I know you've heard these. You may have one hanging on some artwork in your house or maybe you are sipping from a LifeWay bought mug with the words emblazoned on the side -

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and it will be given to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

Matthew 7:7-8

After discussing this verse, he pointed out that it follows the other verse from the previous chapter that also talks about "seeking" - 

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

Matthew 6:33

I have accepted that on this side of heaven, I will never be an expert pray-er. I will always be seeking and learning how to better pray. But I know from these passages that as I seek the kingdom of God and His righteousness that my prayers - the things I ask God for, will be better in line with His will for me. I will learn how to ask for the things I should ask for. He will change the things I ask for.

As I read His Word and study His ways, I will learn more and more. I will be reminded that His ways are higher than mine.  As a result, I will not always know how to pray as I should. But, I know He is good. He is faithful. He will add "these things to" me. He will give me what I ask. He will open the door. 

• If my prayer is for a deeper desire to pray this way - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 
• If my prayer is know and experience His kingdom and His righteousness - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 
• If my prayer is in line with His character and making me more like Him - He will answer "yes" because it glorifies Him and draws me closer to Him. 

Through prayer He grows my faith and teaches me more about Himself. Prayer is a spiritual discipline that is crucial to me being made over to be the God-follower that Christ died to make me to be.

Prayer is definitely one of the ways God is working on me in my present tense.

Answering "Yes"

Sometimes, as a parent I feel like all I ever say is "no."

Sometimes, it seems like my kids have lost their common sense to ask me some of the things that they ask me.

Sometimes, they realize this before they ever ask. Anyone of them will preface their question with the phrase, "I know what you're gonna say, but ________."

My response to this last tactic is to ask them back, "Then why are you asking me?!"

The thing is, I think they know something. Not that it is likely that I will change precedent, but that they know that I WANT to say "yes."

I want to make them happy, to give them what they want, and to enthusiastically grant their wishes. (Even if their greatest wish at that moment is to eat a large bowl of ice-cream 5 minutes before dinner - I mean, who doesn't want to eat dessert first?!)

As our perfect, heavenly Father I believe God wants the same thing we do as parents. He wants to say "yes!"

We can trust that He will always say the right thing to us at the right time. He is always faithful to keep His word to provide for us what, when and how -whatever we need - most often without our "pleases" and "thank yous."

Too often I come to Him with my long grocery list of requests, some more sincere and heartfelt than others. Too often I come to Him assuming I know how He is going to answer my prayers before I ask them - if I decide to ask them at all. My lack of faith paralyzes me from even uttering many prayers . . .
Yet, He still wants me to pray, to ask, to seek Him.

If I want God to answer a prayer with a "yes" how then should I pray?

What are the prayers that God always answers "yes" to?

Anytime I have asked for more of Him - His presence, His wisdom, His glory, His Being - He has always shown up, revealing Himself to me, growing my faith and opening my eyes to Him.

Anytime I have confessed my sin - my pride, my prejudices, my desire for lesser things - He has always been faithful to forgive me, to restore me and to change me.

Anytime I have been hurt or lonely or afraid and I have simply whispered His name - He has always been there, proving His presence to me and giving me hope to press on.

How does He do it? How does He communicate all of that to me?

At times through worship or an encouraging friend's kind words - but always, always, always through His Word.

If I want to pray prayers that God will answer with a "yes" I need to know how to pray - not to get my desired results, but His. How do I know what God desires? By being in His Word, by reading how Jesus prayed, by learning His character . . .

Although, my tendency is not to approach Bible study and Bible reading this way. I want to check it off my to do list or add to my list of religious accomplishments - not really glean an applicable truth for my life.

I came across this quote recently on Instagram:

"...taking in his words at a more reflective and enjoyable (you might even say 'leisurely') pace - rather than rushing through to cover as much ground as possible. I remind myself that the goal is to find food for my soul . . . not check boxes and just avail my mind of additional biblical data . . Call it 'eating mindfully'. . . whatever you call it, finding a slower pace goes hand-in-hand with faithfully gathering a day's portion." - David Mathis

I realized that in my task-oriented day with my long list of responsibilities it is easy for me to miss what I really need when I read God's Word. As my loving, Heavenly Father, He wants to speak to me. He wants to spend quality time with me. Like a child with a short attention span or an easily distracted teen, I trade this opportunity for an audience with the King of the World for lesser things. 

When I am honest with myself and with Him - I don't want the kind of relationship He wants to have with me. I want the things He can give me or do for me. I don't want Him. This is painfully evident in an objective look in how I pray . . . SO often I pray and "obey" thinking He doesn't already know my real motives. My prayers are feeble attempts to manipulate Him into giving me "yeses" for the things I want.

1 Chronicles 16:11 tells me to "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually." In all transparency - I don't want to do that. That does not sound like fun. That seems boring. 

So, what should I do? I have found to ask God something that He will always answer with a "yes." 

Anytime, any of us asks Him to give us a deeper, more real desire to be with Him, to be in His word, to want to want Him - He always answers "YES!"

The process of how He answers that prayer may be hard and even painful. Deuteronomy 30:6 tells us: "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your off-spring, so that you will love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." 

Obviously, I have never experienced physical circumcision. I do know that it involves cutting. I can imagine that it could be very painful in very sensitive ways. This spiritual circumcision of our hearts is no different. 

What does God use to cut out the bad parts of our hearts, the parts that want the gifts but not the Giver? 

His Word. Check out Hebrews 4:12: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, discerning the thoughts and intensions of the heart."

Now that's sharp. 

And it's another reason to be in, really in - His Word. 

Notice that as parents, that the above verse from Deuteronomy says that God will circumcise the hearts of our off-spring as well. As we read and are in the Word, we must expose our kids to it too. As much as I want God to answer my prayers with "yeses" I want Him to answer their prayers that way too . . . How am I teaching them to pray? How am I teaching them to read God's Word? What is the example that I am setting?

I want to answer my kids with "yes," and I want God to answer me with "yes." What's the condition of my heart? What does His Word say about it? Is it about me and what I want OR is it all about Him and what He wants?

Prayer and Bible study go hand-in-hand and are both necessities of spiritual growth. How we pray and what we pray for is directly impacted by what we learn from what God communicates to us in His Word.