Growing WITH Them

Photo by Nicole Honeywill on Unsplash

I took a deep breath, looked a few of them intentionally straight in the eyes, and sincerely apologized.

In over 25 years of student ministry, I can't ever remember starting a Bible study this way.

They were gracious and, I believe, appreciative of my honesty and transparency.

In the weeks that have passed since, I have been so very blessed by these teens, that I had to share.

I have learned from them. God has taught me so much. Prayers were answered. My eyes have been opened and I have grown.

 Before any of this could've begun to happen, I had to to confess my sin, first to God and then to them.

I'm not proud of my sins.  The specific ones that had led up to this particular confession are a couple of my go-to "favorites," the ones I commit without intention and seem to creep into every aspect of my perceptions and self-centered reactions.

The class had ceased to be "fun" for me to teach. The students attending seemed to be bored and apathetic. There was no evidence of anyone having any spiritual growth over the 3+ years I had been teaching it. I was frustrated with what I perceived to be there inattention and un-appreciation.  

Looking back, I am not sure how He did it, but He did. The Holy Spirit genteelly pointed out that I was the one who was bored and apathetic AND that I had gotten that way because I was self-righteously and pridefully judging these young believers.

My self-perception of being this "great" teacher who had written these "fantastic" Bible studies led me to fully embrace the belief that I was better than these students, who came every Sunday morning to Sunday school. After all, I had been a Christian far longer than anyone of them had even been alive and none of them would even agree to open our time together in a word of prayer. They were dependent on me to do that for them too. I looked at that at as another reason to judge and condemn them.

But God . . .

He reminded me that each believer is on his or her own journey with Him. He is working, weaving our paths to intertwine and cross in ways that exceed our imaginations. I am not to judge how close those teens are to God based on an hour or so I spend with them once a week. How can I really tell whether or not that they are growing spiritually on their journeys or not?

Prayerfully, I wanted the class to see each other and our time together as an oasis from the pressures they face in their worlds outside of church. Public school, jobs, family issues, expectations  (I was even heaping those on them) and more all weigh so much heavier on them than when "I was their age."

Through another Bible study I had been preparing for, I saw how Anna welcomed Baby Jesus and his parents to the temple. She encountered God, had lifelong prayers answered and then went and told other believers of the great thing God had done for her and was doing for all of them. This is what I wanted the teenagers to do - encourage each other by sharing how God was working in their lives and answering their prayers.

Now, we are all learning and growing together through His Word. They are starting to share how God is showing them cross-references in their personal Bible studies and how His Spirit is intervening to help them make right decisions. No one is volunteering to pray aloud - yet, but they are listening to each other - and I am listening to them too. How did God do this?

• First, I realized WE all had to open our eyes to see how God is working in our lives. Part of my confession that morning was just that - how the Holy Spirit had revealed my sin and impressed upon my heart to ask them for forgiveness. I needed them to know that I didn't have any special link to God because I was older or because I was their Sunday school teacher or because I had been a Christian longer or because I wasn't afraid to pray aloud publicly . . . 

• Second, I needed their help to hold me accountable to be intentional to seek God out. If I wanted God to use our 1 hour a week I needed to be praying about it. I needed to be in His Word, hearing what He was speaking into my heart. I needed to be listening too - not just checking it off my to-do list, but concentrating, meditating, processing what He saying. I was kinda, sorta doing those things, however, my heart was far from into it -especially in regards to them and this class. 

• Third, in order to be intentional -and to involve them in that intentionality, I enlisted their help in deciding our next course of study. Desiring for their buy-in and ownership, I asked them for what they wanted to study and then I listened.  3 John was chosen due to its brevity and I assigned them the homework of reading it before next week. And they did it!

• Fourth, I stopped preparing a lesson. I am not saying that I won't go back to prepping for our time together, but for now, I am wanting them to learn to read and to study and to apply scripture for themselves. It's a little disconcerting to start a lesson in front of teenagers and not know where we are going, but it has been so cool to see God's Word come alive to all of us at the same time. They have had insights I didn't see. They are seeing how even this little book tucked toward the end of the New Testament has applications to their teenage lives. 

This has very much been a group effort and, for the first time in a long time, I am looking forward to my time with them each week. 3 John may only consist of 15 verses, but we all seem to be really learning it as has already taken us over a month to go through it verse-by-verse. 

All this started when I confessed my sin. My sin had led to arrogance and had stifled not only my journey with God, but had directly affected the class' journeys too. Sin is never private and never limits its effects to the one committing it. 

I tried to talk myself out of asking for their forgiveness. I mean I knew God had forgiven me, but I also knew that I would still be a slave to my sin of pride if I didn't swallow it and own it. The results were so worth it. 

The courage the Holy Spirit gave me to confess aloud to the group cultivated the safe environment the students needed for them to be transparent and share what God was doing in their lives too. Once my sin was out in the open, they then had freedom to share their ideas and impressions of what God is doing in their individual lives. If, as their leader, I can't be real then I can't expect them to be vulnerable either. 

Their forgiveness has been sweet and freeing. No longer do I need to put up a facade that I have it altogether. I don't have to have all the answers. I have laid aside my pride and can genuinely say, "I don't know. What do you think?" 

Without my self-righteousness and pride in the way I can learn and grow WITH them . . . You know, I think this sounds kinda like New Testament discipleship . . . 

Unexpected Grace

Here is my "Unexpected Grace." 

Normally, like 9.5 times out of 10, I enter and exit our house through the garage. In all our comings and goings, it feels like I do that at least 20 times a day. So it is not unusual for me to go a few days without actually taking the few steps off our small porch and down the brick pathway to the driveway.

It is usual for me however, to see Wally off out the front door and to swing the front door open to allow sunlight to fill the entry through the closed storm door. This afternoon, as I did so, I noticed something on the front walk right in front of the steps.

Small and white and thin, I had to take a closer look.

In my amazement I realized it was a petunia. Somehow, someway, the small but sturdy flower had grown up between the bricks.

I had not planted it there. I have not yet bought my petunias from Lowe's. Every spring, around Mother's Day, I purchase the small plants already blooming to fill my porch pots and put a few around the geraniums that I buy too. I want to have the green thumb and the patience to plant my flowers from seeds, but I can't seem to control those little boogers very well, so I opt to exert my control over my flowers where and how I can.

 But . . . this little guy seemed to come out of nowhere.

I called for my oldest daughter to come see. She obeyed, but failed to understand what I was so excited about. When Wally came home, he walked right passed it, probably narrowly missing it with his man feet, and humored me when I drug him back outside to show him the unlikely bloom. My middle daughter noticed it right away and seemed to connect with my awe from where the tiny flower had originated, but didn't really appreciate how this little annual was acting all perennial.

I shared with my good friend Ms. Maxine about this little flower when she called with a work related question. I told her I couldn't figure out where the petunia had come from and how it had managed to thrive in such an unlikely place. Without hesitation, she said, "Well, by God's grace - that's how."

Instantly, I knew she was right. As I pondered the grace of God that would grow an unexpected flower in an unexpected place, I realized that in a way, His grace was extending far beyond growing a plant to create a little excitement in my Monday. He was revealing so much more to me.

In both my home and work lives, May is a crazy, busy month, rivaling December with all its responsibilities and obligations. Recitals, award ceremonies, field days, a birthday, staff evaluations, parent involved programs, teacher appreciation gifts . . . There is a lot going on.

It is easy to become quickly overwhelmed and extremely weary less than a full week into the month. When do I have time to connect with God? How can I fill my cup with Him - especially when I know that I need Him the most?

That little flower today was like God showing me that He is in the middle of all the crazy. He can be found. In the simplicity of a flower, if I open my eyes to appreciate that He has not left me but more than that - He has deliberately shown me that if I have eyes to see and a spirit to appreciate - He is still revealing Himself to me. He is more than meeting my needs. He is answering my prayers and is continually revealing Himself to me.

His Word tells me that I will find Him when I seek Him. He is faithful to allow me to find Him. Wasn't this the lesson I had tried to teach the teens in Sunday morning Bible study only yesterday? Today, I found Him in a petunia growing between the bricks of my front walk.

I want to contemplate this small, amazing grace and appreciate what God has done.

I want my eyes to see where He is working, and I don't want to be too busy that I miss it or worse yet step on it in my ignorance.

I want to value these moments of grace, but I know that has to start with recognizing them as they come.

I may not be in control. I may not know how everything is going to come together. But, God is in control and He knows how to develop beauty around and in me that I cannot begin to fathom.

God, these next few weeks are insanely busy. I know that I will only be able to appreciate these big moments and take care of all that needs to be done with the help of Your hand. Thank You for the small petunia with all it's deeper demonstration of grace. I sure didn't deserve it, yet You are extremely faithful to answer my requests of You to show me more of You. Thank You for the assurance that just as You grew a small flower between the bricks, You will continue to meet my needs for my growth too.  .  . even in this particular busy and unlikely season, You are most definitely still at work above and below the surface.

Better-Than-Disney Ending

If you're a fan of animation, particularly of the Disney genre, you will know my approximate age when I tell you that I remember going to see the Disney Renaissance movies in theaters for their original releases. After a couple of decades of poorly reviewed films, the animation department released hit after hit: The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, Aladdin.

I loved the adventure described in each plot, but it was the romance that kept me coming back for more and made me a fan for life. Still loving these movies, you can find me curled up on the couch with or without my daughters, munching on popcorn and engrossed in these films I have seen dozens of times. I can literally recite many of them, line-by-line from memory.

My favorite fiction books, sitcoms, dramas, movies - whatever mode of being told a story - all have one great thing in common. They all end the way that they are supposed to end. Yes, many if not most of the time the endings are incredibly predictable. The iconic phrase "Happily Ever After" may even scroll across the screen or be typed at end of the final page.

This idea of how things are supposed to be, the ending we all long for is actually a grace given to us by our Creator. We are supposed to look around at our world, at our lives and come to the same conclusion - things are NOT the way that they should be. This longing for justice and happy endings and everything to be neatly tied with a bow, is an internal compulsion that forces us to seek answers and to work to make things better.

It is in this seeking for answers and working for better that I have found purpose and meaning to my life and to all the crazy that is within it. As I walk with Jesus and grow in my relationship with Him, through His Word and prayer and His work inside of me, I have found the answers I need and the source of all that is good.

Don't get me wrong - my life is not easy, but it is easier than some, and often there are more why's in my prayers than thank you's, but I trust the One with the answers. The more I learn and know of Him, the more faith I have in His power and His ability to redeem the failures in my life and make sense of the chaos around me.

There are relationships in my life that are not what I would want them to be. Parenting is hard and I know from years of student ministry that there are no guarantees or warrantees on particular methods. I am often failing and my fears of not being up to the task at work, at home, and/or at church keep me longing for the day when my strivings shall cease and I will no longer be forced to face life in this fallen place.

Honestly, this morning after trying to parent two in our church pew for disobedience during the church service and feeling completely unsuccessful in my attempt to worship, I had to leave the service to check my makeup. As the deacon prayed the offertory prayer, I slipped out of my seat to find I didn't look like the total mess and fraud I felt like.

Call it spiritual warfare or my own lack of faith or some kind of combination of both, but when I left the service this morning I felt defeated.

I want the ending now. I know it is coming, the day when Christ returns or calls me home, when everything is set right and good triumphs over evil and all is truly well with my soul - however it is God that chooses to bring this present age to its conclusion.

In the meantime, I am struggling with my perspective on it all.

Somedays I feel entitled to certain endings to specific "storylines" in my life. Somedays I just want to wash my hands of the job, the ministry responsibility and the relationship. Somedays I just want to escape into a Disney movie with a box of Sour Patch Kids AND a Milky Way Midnight, pretending like this isn't my reality at all.

Yet, I know that God is at work. He isn't wasting my time or His as I wait for the conclusions of it all. He has an intentional plan as He is actively working in all these "plot lines" of my life and those of all of us who are called according to His purposes. He is in the seemingly insignificant details and in the major twists too - both of individuals and of nations.

It is all bigger than me. Yes, it is war - there are forces unseen locked in battle all around. But it is His grace that is evident in it all.

It is grace that things are not right and good and easy in life SO I will seek Him, acknowledging my need for Him and my dependance on Him.

It is grace that He uses these same circumstances to make me more like Him, cultivating His fruit within me and somehow using me for His desired and determined outcome.

It is grace that He is leading me to accept, yes at times with heartache, that things are not as they should be.

It is grace that will eventually let me see ALL His promises fulfilled and experience the most epic of "Happily Ever Afters" that there will ever be.

In the meantime, at this point in the story - I seek Him, trusting Him by attempting to loosely embrace the brokenness around me. I pray that then He can bring even more beauty from these acknowledged ashes, and that He will use my awareness of the effects of sin in my life in ways that I cannot begin to fathom so that He will receive all the recognition - because, simply put, this is NOT the way that I would do things.

It is all from and for and to and through Him. This is my better-than-Disney ending.

Facing Fears By Holding Hands

I could tell from her cry that the fear was as sincere as it could be. Mommas know the differences in their kids' cries. It starts when they're young - there is the hungry cry, the tired cry, the change-my-diaper cry. . . As the baby gets older and is better able to communicate, some of the cries stop altogether, but there are a few tears that linger - the hurt cry, the angry cry and the scared cry.

At five and a half, Eliza had not cried the scared cry- not like this - in a long, long time. I recognized it instantly though and my heart hurt for her heart. I got on her level and did my best to help teach her how to address this very real, very valid fear.

"Look at me Eliza. What do you know to be true? Look at me. Let's think this through. Look at me. Look at me. The hippo isn't real. Look at me. It's just a robot. It can't get you. It won't get you. Look at me. I am right here. You aren't alone. Look at me. I won't let it get you because it can't get you."

Her sobs slowed and she slowly began to repeat the truths after me - "The hippo isn't real. Mommy is here. It's just a robot." We hugged and I took her hand as we proceeded into the restaurant to look at the aquarium of Finding Nemo type fishies.

Parenting that day outside of the Rainforest Cafe of the Opry Mills Mall, was definitely a moment where I felt the weight of my responsibility as a parent and, also was reminded about my role as a child of God as well.

Two of my three daughters have been deathly afraid of the life-sized animatronic hippopotamus outside of this particular restaurant. We've even nicknamed the whole mall, The Hippo Mall. On one level, it seems something silly to be scared about, but from their small vantage point in a time of their life where they are trying to ascertain reality from fantasy - it is a legitimate some thing to fear.

Eliza had been dreading that moment when we would arrive in THAT corner of the mall. Her feelings were so overwhelming, she could not rationally think through what she knew to be true. She could not talk herself off the ledge.  Her cry was one of desperation and despair.

As her parent, I know that she is old enough to handle this kind of thing - if she knows how. As her parent, I know that is my responsibility to teach her how to face this fear. As her parent, I know that teaching her to handle this fear gives me an opportunity to teach her how to face other fears, bigger ones, scarier ones, ones that won't be so easy to conquer.

So, I taught her to focus on the things she knew to be true. By teaching her to speak truths aloud, she can hear her own voice reminding her heart of what her brain already knows. That silly hippo no longer has a hold over her. His power is lessoned as her faith is strengthened.

Walking away with her little hand still grasping mine, I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit.

This is why I read the Bible daily.
This is why I should memorize more scripture.
This is why I need to intentionally preach the gospel to myself.

I had studied a long time ago the inverse proportional relationship between faith and fear. When one increases, the other decreases. The more faith you have, the less fear and vice versa. If my faith increases, my fear will decrease. . .

When I find myself afraid, I need to do the very things I taught Eliza to do in the midst of that busy Nashville shopping mall. . . .

Look at Him.  - Just as she struggled to take her eyes off the thing causing her fear and refocus on her loving parent, I know I struggle too. I can't seem to take my eyes off my circumstances - that they will get worse or get me while I stop to look to God. Yet, He gently, consistently and patiently calls me to look at Him.

What do you know to be true?  - My God is bigger, My God is stronger, My God is higher than any other. (Do you know that chorus too?) He loves me. He has good plans for me. He will never leave me or forsake me. As I claim these truths, He shifts my perspective. What seemed so large, so overwhelming and so frightening no longer seems so daunting. He is given the rightful, dominate place and position over me and my fears.

Just as I reminded Eliza that I loved her and was there to take care of her - our God loves and cares for His children in the same way.

A few of the most fear-filled moments in my life were the hours I spent birthing our three loves. The Holy Spirit never failed to bring truth to the forefront of my mind as I dealt with painful contractions. The specific passages were ones I had memorized years before, but focusing on their timeless truth helped me to overcome my fears.

Despite His continual faithfulness in circumstances big and small, I still so easily become irrational and, at times, inconsolable over things that should not scare me. Satan knows my deepest insecurities and unashamedly exploits them.

His grace intervenes. Praise Him!

I need to be reminded of His presence in my darkest places and I need to know His truth reigns over all my feeble attempts of bravery and bravado. The Holy Spirit whispers, reminding me to look at Him, to reflect on what I know to be true.  As I speak the promises of God aloud, my heart hears the truth my brain knows and I am encouraged and empowered. My faith increases and my fear decreases.

Just as Eliza and I moved on, hand-in-hand, so will I. As faith, slowly and surely displaces my fears, I can walk confidently, holding the hand of my God who understands and controls what I cannot.


Photo by Jon Flobrant on Unsplash

Big Deal, Big Day

I remember when I used to think 40 was old.

Then Wally turned 40 and it didn't seem THAT old. Now, it's nearly 3 years in my past and 40 doesn't seem old at all anymore.

Today is the day that 50 no longer seems THAT old. Yep, today Wally is 50 years old, half a century, five decades . . .

He threatened me not to plan anything special for his birthday and I promised him I wouldn't. That would be my gift to him, not making a big deal out of his big day. If you know him at all, then you know that is the perfect gift for him.

Wally has never wanted a celebration for his birthday. He would be happiest if we just ignored it and just kept swimming through life. He doesn't want the recognition. He doesn't need the validation. He likes the appreciation, but receives it best in small, sincere portions.

For years I have told him that he is important to us and definitely worth the hoopla of cake, candles and gifts. For years, he has humored me and played along, but he has only longed for the hubbub of the day to end and for the normalcy of March 4 to commence.

I normally try to find a birthday card and had pretty good luck on Valentine's, but this year I didn't even try. (Especially after my fruitless card search on our anniversary!) Honestly, I hope that these words here, might try to convey what I am thinking and feeling on this major milestone birthday.

Our marriage is special. Our relationship is unique. My husband truly is one-of-a-kind. God uses Wally to make it so. He designed me for him and him for me. He is the God of details and in His sovereignty, leaves nothing to chance or happy coincidence.

So often, I try to explain this to Wally, how I feel about him and how blessed I am to call him my husband. I want to add more descriptive words calling him my best friend and telling him that he is my favorite person to spend time with. I tell him how I trust his counsel and respect his Biblical knowledge. My feelings for him have only deepened over time and my appreciation of his hands-on approach to parenting has only grown. He truly shares the household responsibilities with me and we both often look at the other, commenting on how we are glad we are in this thing together.

Lately, as I have contemplated Wally's fulfillment of the role of husband, I realize that I don't need him to be my best friend, or my teammate. Somehow, somewhere the role of husband and dad has been cheapened in our culture and society. Whether it is the "dumb dad" stereotype in sitcoms or the emasculated, follow-the-strong-woman part many men succumb to in the relationship - there seems to be a disconnect from what a husband is Biblically supposed to be from what a husband has become.

Wally may have been a little older when we married. He has not yet been married even half of his life, but in his pursuit of Jesus, he epitomizes what I understand a Biblical husband and father to be. He loves me as Christ does. He gives up his wants and desires to see mine fulfilled. He speaks truth to my heart. He apologizes to our daughters without condition. He serves us with no task being beneath his masculinity.

The name "husband" should mean all of these things. The name and role should not be cheapened by our contemporary culture that is challenging and changing so very much.  When a Biblical worldview is skewed, then everything is up for grabs. The definition of marriage is now negotiable in certain circles and some people believe their gender can be whatever they want to identify it as. While these topics have become hot button issues in denominations and politics, the degradation of the role of husband has been much more subtle.

I appreciate the strong, quiet way Wally loves mercy, seeks justice and walks humbly with his God. He pushes back against the stereotypes in how he fulfills his manly role as a husband. Wally may always be in the minority in his generation, he may not realize how rare his faith walk truly is, and he may never realize the God-given value he invests in others by what he models.

Jokingly, I have said our daughters need to marry men that cook and iron like their daddy. But, all joking aside, Wally has set the bar incredibly high. We do pray that if it be God's will for the girls to marry, that they would marry men who understand and hold to the Biblical definition or who a husband is and what a husband does.

Wally doesn't see what the big deal is all about. He assumes that he is just doing what all "Christian" husbands do. Just like his birthday, he doesn't want to be fussed over or made much of. It isn't mock humility. It is simply who Wally is.

I get it. He is a big deal. I am thankful for his birthday today and I appreciate the opportunity to celebrate who he is and the man God is making him to be. I am blessed to be on this journey with this remarkable man. I am beyond blessed to call James Wallace Vinson, my husband.

HBD Wally. I love you so.

Blessing of Brain Battles

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

I have always appreciated the way Wally and I could just "be" together. There doesn't have to be constant conversation or even distracting background noise. We are just comfortable with each other in the silence.

When we were first a couple, I would ask him what he was thinking about. When he would respond with, "nothing," I would find it impossible to believe. After all, in the quiet my mind had raced and rambled over at least a dozen topics and potential scenarios. It wasn't long into our relationship, when I came to accept the truth: he really can think about "nothing."

Another one of the many things that differentiates us in our marriage, is the amazing way Wally can compartmentalize his thoughts. When he's at work, he's at work. When he returns home, he can shut off work and be at home. When he's ready to relax, he does and he can think about "nothing," turning off his thoughts and not thinking. He can not stress about anything else.

On the other hand, there is me. When I am at home, I will think about what I need to do at work. When I am at work, I will think about what I need to do at home. When there could be a small window to relax, I can't because my mind is too busy thinking of all the other things that need to be done. OR - when I try to relax there is an all-too-familiar feeling of guilt, because of my inability to turn off my brain.

The internal dialogue in my mind is exhausting all by itself, but when emotions are mixed into the batter, the finished product is either burnt beyond recognition or left a soggy, raw, goopy mess.

This tendency is something I know I have passed on to my second born daughter.

I love how God gave her such passion. However, the ways her passions fluctuate are exhausting and overwhelming for her father and me. We often pine over how she must feel. For Piper, it is either the BEST day ever OR the WORST day ever - but - she can instantaneously go from one to the other and, without warning, back again. To call her "dramatic" would be an understatement. High maintenance? At times, most definitely, but never for very long. Her emotions make her complex, but because of their high intensity, we never have to wonder how she is feeling. We can simply watch how she enters the room, dragging and moaning or skipping and singing.

If I am honest, I am jealous of Wally's male mental abilities.
If I am honest, I know my emotions, while not as clearly visible as Piper's, have the same ability to rule and reign every aspect of my life.
If I am honest, I cannot deny that my jealousy and my inability to master my emotions are sinful.

Jealousy undoubtedly goes back to the 10th commandment where we are clearly told not to envy. Jealousy says that I am not satisfied with what God has given me. Jealousy proves that I feel that I deserve more.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad, wrong or sinful per se, but left unchecked they can produce all kinds of havoc. My five year old had every right to be angry with my 15 year old. I couldn't fault her for that - the problem she had was that her anger ruled over her as she began to physically hit her sister in that anger. She sinned against her big sister by whaling on her. She sinned against God by giving into her anger and allowing that to be her motivation.

Like David writes in Psalm 51 - my sin is first and foremost against God. Yes, I should apologize for holding a grudge against Wally, but things can't be made right until I ask my Heavenly Father for forgiveness too.

The internal dialogue in my mind is most definitely, most of the time, a chaotic battlefield.

Thoughts that won't end. Emotions that fuel more thoughts. Satan knowing and attacking my most vulnerable insecurities. Desires to please God, but more emotions that scream of my incapabilities. Then there are hormones that demand attention. While I have never been in an actual, physical war - God's Word tells me that I am most definitely in a spiritual one. The frontline is in my brain.

However, His Word also tells me that He has won the war. With Jesus' resurrection, the final outcome has been irrevocably settled. The Good Guy won. By the faith through grace that He has given me, I have the promise of ultimate victory as well. There will be an end to the chaos in my head because He rules my heart.

The presence of His Spirit within me, is my not-so-secret weapon. I do not fight on my own strength or by my own capabilities. When I seek Him first, He illuminates Satan's lies for what they are, He throws me lifelines of truth to cling to from His Word, and He overwhelms me with the peace I so desperately need in the midst of the fight.

I am SO thankful, God didn't save me and just shrug his shoulders, say "Good luck, see you in heaven!" and walk away. Instead, He actively, intimately uses every aspect of the internal struggle within me to teach me and make me more like Jesus.

While I do envy Wally's ability to turn-it-all-off, I can and should thank God that the endless strain of stressful thoughts force me to depend upon Him. The mess of emotions compel me to dump my crazy on Him. Combined, they grow my faith, showing me that He can handle it. They truly teach me that His load is easy and His burden is light. They do all this and more.

So instead of wishing I was more like my man, I should thank God that I am not. I should appreciate this internal struggle for the many ways it grows my faith and my dependance on Him. I know I could not have learned these truths any other way.

Thank You God for internal struggle that wars within me.
Thank You God for the way it compels me to turn to You.
Thank You God for the assurance that battle will indeed end.
Thank You God for the ultimate victory to be had.

Perspective Problems

I know that they are cheesy and corny, but I really do like those "trick" photographs where the perspective makes reality look like something that really isn't happening is, in fact, happening.

A quick Google search will yield some pretty creative shots!

The tourists look like they're holding up the leaning Tower of Pisa or, like in the opening of the movie Despicable Me, the guy is "carrying" an Egyptian pyramid on his back. There are YouTube Chanels dedicated to that same kind of trick photography, using perspective to make the eye see things that aren't really there, that aren't really possible.

The guy isn't holding the pyramid or the tower, it just appears that way because of the perspective of the camera's lens. But, what if we didn't know we were being tricked? What if we really thought that a man was carrying a pyramid on his back?

I guess I would make some assumptions about the reality of that pyramid. It must not be as big or as heavy as I was led to believe. Maybe all the pyramids could be moved around this way? What else did I learn about ancient Egyptian history that could be wrong?

Then there were those "Magic Eye" pictures. (Weren't they popular in the 90's?) If you stand in front of one at just the right distance and let your eyes kinda cross or unfocus, you could see a 3D image hidden in the colorful pattern of wavy lines. From dolphins to celebrities, the subject matter that filled these posters sold at the mall kiosks were endless. However, some people never could find the right perspective to ever see anything.

Perspective is everything.

I have been thinking a lot about this fact this weekend.

The Israelites and King Saul saw the giant, Goliath of Gath, and their perspective was all kinds of wrong. The boy shepherd, David, arrives on the scene, but from his vantage point, he was never the underdog. The story of David and Goliath isn't a story on how God helps the weak to beat the strong. Rather it is all about how God uses what we would deem as weak to shame the strong, to prove His power and to show His glory. God doesn't jump on "David's side." David's perspective on the problem is from God's vantage point instead.

The Israelites and King Saul had lost sight of who they were. As God's chosen people, they were guaranteed victory.  They were cowering in fear, demoralized and defeated before the battle even started. All they could see was the intimidating warrior in front of them, forgetting that they were valued and loved by God. They couldn't remember their past, how God has always taken care of them and provided for them. The only future they could see was one of defeat and slavery. David knew who he was. He was God's anointed, future king of Israel. He trusted God's promises and knew that because of God's word to him, he could not fail.

The Israelites and King Saul couldn't see the big picture. God was doing something in their midst, to fulfill His plan and establish His purposes. Even in their cowardice, He was paving the way for that shepherd boy to be eventually accepted as king of Israel. He was laying the groundwork for Jesus' eventual incarnation - He would come from the line of King David. At the time Saul and the people were too consumed with their immediate predicament, that they couldn't see God was actually doing something bigger and higher than they could understand.

The Israelites, King Saul and I have more in common than I want to admit. It doesn't take much for my perspective to be skewed.

First, my problems may not be a 9 foot giant that wants to feed my flesh to the birds of the air, but they can be just as life-threatening and every bit as intimidating. Thankfully, they aren't right now, but I know others who are going through those kinds of trials.

My "Goliaths" really aren't anything to slow me down, except when my perspective is "off" and I allow them to appear bigger than they really are.

Regardless, any Goliath that comes my way IS puny in comparison to God. Just as David rightly viewed God's power and capability over the Philistine warrior's appearance, proper perspective puts any circumstance into its proper place.

Second, I too easily forget who and Whose I am. I am redeemed. I am forgiven. I am fully known - AND even being fully known - the good, the bad and the ugly - I am fully loved. I am adopted by the King of all kings - making me royalty.

When I forget my identity in Christ, I see myself as less than and not good enough. I treat myself poorly and allow others to do the same. I don't fulfill the roles that God intends me to fill. My obedience to Him becomes drudgery. I "have to" instead of I "get to."

When my perspective is self-centered instead of God-centered, sin creeps in. Jealousy, envy, and pride keep my eyes focused on anything except who God says that I am.

Third, despite my life circumstances and how I view myself, God IS doing something bigger than me and my understanding too. His word tells me that He is working and weaving ALL things together for His glory and my good.

Even if my perspective is off, He is still accomplishing His goals. His plans cannot be thwarted or denied. He has the victory over all in this sinful world and nothing is impossible for Him.

I cannot know because it is beyond my comprehension. I cannot see it with a microscope or a telescope because it is more than my mind can take in. His word tells me that what He is doing is more than I can ask for or imagine . . .

Someday, my faith will be sight. I won't have to ask for His perspective because I will see me and this world the same way He does. I will no longer be tricked by a limited perspective and the altered view that comes with it.

In the meantime, I am praying for God's perspective on my circumstances. I am praying to see myself the way He does. I am praying that I would be intentionally aware that He is doing something in and around me that is bigger than me.

Mercy In, Mercy Out

Confession time.

I rank sins.
I judge people.
I make assumptions.
I consider myself better than others.
Somehow I think I am more deserving of God's grace.
I am prideful.

"It's natural to want mercy for yourself but justice for others." -Paul David Tripp

This quote from my devotional this weekend stung.

My ladies' Bible study was on Bathsheba last week. I found myself questioning her motives and wanting to read between the lines to judge her as a naive victim or a cunning, seductive adulteress. The scripture doesn't tell us the condition of her heart or really even any words from her tongue, yet, I wanted to label her and decide whether or not I like her.

As we discussed her fall into temptation the following verse was brought up:

"Let no one say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted by God,' for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire." James 1:13-14

The very things that tempt us reveal to us what we truly desire. If we didn't desire what tempts then it wouldn't be tempting to us. (The desire for dark chocolate is greater than my desire to lose the weight I put on over the holidays. White chocolate is not tempting to me in the least, because I have no desire for for it.)

David and Bathsheba had a sexual desire and so found temptation in each other's arms. If they had not desired each other, there would have been no temptation. Each of them could have recognized the desire, the temptation and then avoided the sin.

The next verse in James is this:

"Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death." James 1:15

David and Bathsheba's sin resulted in a lot of death. Her husband's, other soldiers, their baby . . . The wages of sin is always death and the consequences of sin always weigh heavy on the most innocent. Then and now.

The Holy Spirit pricked my heart in all of this. My desire to judge others is not limited to a dead queen of Israel. My desire to judge others shows the temptation I face to be prideful and self-righteous.

For example:

With many, many other evangelical Christians this week I watched with sadness as the governor of New York signed pro-abortion legislation into law. I read many, many social media posts on both sides of the issue. Feelings are understandably deep and raw.

It is natural to want justice for the loss of lives of the unborn. We are called to stand up for the weak, the vulnerable and the voiceless. My heart breaks for the babies lost to this evil . . .

But my heart also breaks for the momma who feels like she has no choice and for the woman who feels she must choose between her life and her child's.

There are "statistics" and "facts" and "testimonies" that can all be twisted to support any side of any argument. However, as Christians, our eyes have been opened by grace alone to the truth. The god of this world, continues to blind mankind to the horrendous act of child sacrifice to the idols of convenience, greed, and fear. Our desires for these things leads to the temptation to succumb to this evil, lessoning it through "reason," and the sin "fully grown brings forth death."

Satan is our enemy. He is the one tempting us - not the people or governor of New York, not the victim of rape or incest, not the mother who desperately wants the baby that the test has said is not-viable.

If I am not careful, my desire to be right, to judge others, and to see myself as better than will lead me to a place of self-righteous sin. Instead, the Holy Spirit is giving me a different mindset with a fresh understanding.

I hurt for "these" people. I can't imagine being in the position of the mother that is facing those test results - especially if she does not have the hope in Christ that I do. I want to tell them that God does not make mistakes, that He brings good out of bad things and that He still is in the business of confounding doctors and medical professionals.

It is by faith through grace alone that I have the understanding that I do. It is that same faith through grace that reminds me that my sins are just as black as the abortionist doctor. It is that same faith through grace that allows me to leave the justice I seek to God and gives me the ability to share the mercy I have been given to others.

The wages of my sin is death. God has removed my sin from me as far as the east is from the west. He has shown me extreme mercy by taking away the ultimate consequence for my sin. He took it from me and gave it to Jesus. He died in my place. I didn't deserve it. I didn't ask for it. I didn't even know I needed it when He did it.

When I take all this into account, I am in awe . . . Like the Pharisees that slipped away, one-by-one when Jesus told them that whoever was without sin could throw the first stone at the woman caught in adultery, I know that I am the last one to condemn anyone.

When I stop and reflect on the mercy I have received, I have mercy for Bathsheba and I have mercy for all of those caught up in the abortion debate. I cannot judge or condemn. I am not any more worthy to receive His grace than anyone else.

When I contemplate the grace that God has shown me, I am motivated to extend grace to others, to whomever He brings into my life, to minister to them with the same grace and compassion He has bestowed to me. Because He continues to be faithful to show me mercy, so I too can show mercy to others who don't deserve it either.

Tuesday I will go to my board meeting of our local crisis pregnancy center. If I am like Bathsheba and others are only left to judge me by my actions, not knowing my words or motives - my prayer is that they will not doubt the difference God's grace and mercy have made in my life because of how I am able to show it to others.

As He forgives me for my sin, showering me with His mercy and grace, I am able to pour it out on others too. It's not of me. It originates in Him. He gives it to me and, as a result, I can't keep it to myself.

Mercy in, mercy out.

First Things First

"But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." Matthew 6:33

The first place I am seeking to be intentional is in my relationship with God. Everything else falls into the category of "all these things," and I am claiming His promise that those "things" will be "added to" me as I intentionally pursue Him first. 

• When I look at my life from His perspective, I am able to see "things" from the vantage point of eternity and the momentary circumstances soon pale in comparison. 
• Remembering that my life is not my own, but was bought with a price, points me back to the gospel and how it puts "all these things" in their proper place. 
• Knowing that my spiritual life supersedes and impacts all other aspects of "my" life, the truth of the above scripture has already proven trustworthy throughout my life. God has never failed to keep this Word to me. 

So, how am I being intentional in my walk with Christ? Where does my intentionality start? While I am still praying through the specifics, (I understand that "the experts" insist that resolutions and goals need to be specific to be successful.) I am hesitant to make some grand proclamation of some plan that I can't follow through with . . . 

I know I NEED to develop my time in the Word AND my time in prayer. As a result, here is my plan three days in: 

I am reading Paul David Tripp's New Morning Mercies. It's a daily "gospel" devotional, with each entry pointing the reader back to the truth of the good news. It isn't long but it's got depth and every page ends with a short scripture reading to meditate on. 

To keep it from becoming just one more thing I read in the mornings -along with news, emails and Facebook, I have begun a journal of sorts. After the date, I am copying/writing a few quotes of Tripp's and my own that I want to reflect on throughout the day. Then, a simple one line or two, I am writing a bottom line prayer, asking God to take my intentions and do with them whatever He will. 

Realizing my prayer life needs more intentionality than this, I expect and plan to be more intentional in how and when I pray. 

Realizing that I need to be in the Word more than this, I have a couple more books that I can't wait to dig into and read this year too. (Thanks Momma for the great Christmas gifts: None Like Him, by Jen Wilkin and Gracelaced by Ruth Chou Simmons)

Realizing that when I am intentional in seeking Him first, "all these things," aka - my other areas of New Year's resolutions, "will be added." The health goals, the job goals, the personal/relationship goals will come too. They will come as a result of my pursuit of the first goal - to intentionally seek Him first. 

So, what are your goals for the New Year? Let me encourage you to put seeking Him first as first on your list . . . Test God and see if He doesn't keep His Word to you too. See that if you seek Him first, He doesn't help you meet the rest of your goals along the way. 

Who knows? Maybe as we place Him first, He will edit the rest of our goals? Either way, we know that He is good and the that He finishes what He starts. Sounds like a good resolution/accountability partner to me!

Intentionality

So it's January 2 and maybe this post is a day or two or more late. And chances are, you have already read a bunch a blogs and posts about resolutions and such. You may have your act together and find yourself feeling pretty good about the start of 2019.

Honestly, I wasn't feeling it this year. Maybe it was my unusual Christmas season. The week between Christmas and New Year's seemed to take an eternity and didn't seem "right" in the least. Numb and overwhelmed, how could I make resolutions for an entire year when I couldn't even seem to function through December 30th?

We hosted GOOD friends for NYE and found ourselves sharing various Bible reading plans. Wally shared how he had written his own plan for reading through the Word and I found myself realizing that this type of intentionality was just what I needed.

Intentionality.

I am blessed to gather monthly with a group of girlfriends. Before we leave for the evening, we share prayer requests and praises. More than not, each of us asks the rest of us to pray for some kind of "intentionality" - in our parenting, our marriages, our jobs, and our relationships - especially with our relationships with God.

We are all busy. We are all distracted. We are all guilty of procrastination.

January of a new year is an excellent time to start something new. But so is any Monday - it is the start of a new week. In the book of Lamentations, the Bible tells us that God's mercies are new each morning, so we could technically start something "new" each day....

By God's grace, we don't have a shortage of new beginnings- what we seem to lack is the intentionality to do something with those fresh starts. It's the intentionality that will take a resolution and make it a habit. It's the intentionality that will break the habitual sin's hold over us.

Where do we get that intentionality? My girlfriends and I know that we start with prayer, that's why we continue to pray for it. But it also is up to us. As we work it out, He works it in -

"Therefore, my beloved, as you have already obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure."  Philippians 2:12-13 (emphasis mine)

Work implies intentionality. Nothing is ever completed without intentional work. We are called to obey, to work, but we aren't asked to do all the work on our own . . . The Holy Spirit and I do the work together.

A little intentionality on my end will be met on God's end in ways I can only anticipate, but know that they will be fulfilled for my good and His glory.

So that's my resolution this year - I resolve to be intentional trusting that whatever the intentionality produces is a result of God's work within it.

Intentional in my parenting, my marriage, my job, and my relationships, especially my relationship with God - I guess that is my word for 2019 - "Intentionality"

I am hoping this shows up in my posts here . . . I guess I'll just have to be intentional about that too.

Tangled Raw

The tangle of conflicting intertwined emotions weighs heavy on my sternum. Some angles are sharp and literally, physically hurt when they rub against my inside. Mostly the mass just seems to ache until I can find some sort of distraction to numb the damaged spot.

Christmas is usually filled with mostly happy thoughts and memories. Yes, there's been hard years especially the first holiday season after my dad left and the one after my brother-in-law passed, but this one is different.

I know God's timing is perfect and I can think back over the last couple of weeks and clearly see His hand preparing my heart and the circumstances for the day He would take my grandmother home to be with Him. He didn't leave any detail untaken care of.

My heart was already where it needed to be in adoration of the Savior's birth. My shopping done, my preparations completed, my groceries brought home and all put away - when I got the phone call I had been expecting.

Mom was understandably emotional as she described the last moments Grandma spent on this side of eternity and how she slipped into the other.

In the roughly 48 hours since then, the tangle of emotions has swelled. Like a tide, it has come in waves and gone in waves too.

The thought of my grandmother's reunion with my grandfather literally brought tears of joy to my eyes. The sound of exhaustion and pain in my mother's voice brought feelings of helplessness. What could I do to lesson her burden? The ending of the candlelight service on Christmas Eve led to hugs from good friends that brought me to sobs on Wally's shoulder right there in the front of the sanctuary. Perhaps I would have stayed there longer, if it weren't for one my daughters asking loudly, "What's wrong with Mom?!"

This morning, we gathered around the advent wreath and, as a family, discussed the Light of Life that has come into the world and worshipped by singing "Angels We Have Heard on High." Then the girls unwrapped gifts and toys we had bought and I had wrapped. I did delight in the joy on their faces and was thankful for the happy moments we could share.

This afternoon, Wally found me back in bed. My feelings were more than the physical exhaustion caused by the late-night-Santa-visit playing and the early-morning-Santa-visit discovering. I told him I was just sad. He encouraged me to embrace it and not try to fight it, so I allowed myself to cry

My own words from my Sunday school lesson the morning of her passing are still ringing in my ear - how Jesus' birth was God's guarantee to keep all His other promises to His people. Because He kept His word to send Jesus, I can trust that He has kept His word to my grandmother and she is in His presence even now.

I can sleep tonight knowing He will keep His word to me too. That tangle of emotions weighing on my chest includes this hope. Not only that she is truly in a better place, but that one day I will be too. In the meantime, I am not carrying this emotional mess on my own. He knows what I am feeling. I am not alone. He is with me.

I get why people drink to forget, to numb the pain, to escape. I like just having the television on for the background noise it provides. The distraction from the heaviness of these emotions is welcome. I cannot judge anyone for succumbing to the temptations of anything that will dull the distress or ease the burden for just a little while.

Pain, hope, peace, longing, helplessness, gratefulness, sadness, loneliness, joy, happiness, frustration, anger, comfort, appreciation, fear, anticipation . . .

I would describe my feelings as an emotional rollercoaster, but today, Christmas Day, that just doesn't seem accurate. Yes, there have been high highs - good things have happened today and there have been low lows - like when I debated skipping the family gathering with my husband's side of the family. But all through the highs I was still feeling lows and even at my lowest today, the highs seemed to be mingled in as well.

If emotions are defined as colors, tonight, mine would be a muddy, brown, mess.

My bags are pretty much packed and so are the rest of my crew's. We will leave first thing in the morning to be with family and prepare for the services to lay my sweet grandma to rest. We are also taking more Christmas presents with the promise of continued celebrations of the season.  

As a result, the tangled weight of emotions will continue. I didn't have to pack them for the ache  remains inside me. The sting of unexpected tears will overflow onto my hot cheeks without warning as they remain ready just beneath the thin surface of my failing attempt to hold it all together all the time.

It is all pretty raw . . .

Yet, in my head and heart I know that because of Christmas, Jesus relates to my suffering and heartache for He experienced them too. In fact, His whole life must have been one where He carried a similar burden as well. Hope with hurt, pain coupled with peace, frustration tempered with love.

This is what I will chose to focus on as I pray for sleep to come tonight.

 The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup;
    you hold my lot.
The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance.

I bless the Lord who gives me counsel;

    in the night also my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me;

    because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices;

  my flesh also dwells secure.

For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol,

    or let your holy one see corruption. 

You make known to me the path of life;

in your presence there is fullness of joy;

at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.

Psalm 16:5-11

Shoulder the Responsibility

I don't know if that saying is used much any more - if someone "shoulders the responsibility," they are the one that would ultimately take charge, be the one that the buck stops with and is in control of the task at hand.

Like my high school daughter lugging her heavy backpack onto her shoulder as she heads out to take her last few midterms this morning, the responsibility for her grades and studies rests both literally and symbolically on her shoulders.

As I've pondered the prophecy passage in Isaiah this week, I have come to a new understanding of what is meant when he writes that "the government shall be on his shoulders."

Growing up in the church and living in the south, I have heard this verse countless times, but I don't think I ever really understood its meaning. I thought that it meant that the government would be "on His back," harassing Him. The authorities would be a burden to Him, hindering His work, and eventually putting Him to death - as they eventually did.

But as I've reflected on this passage over the last few days, I don't think this is what this prophecy foretells at all . . .

Like the Jews of the time of Jesus' birth, I assumed that this passage was talking about a political, ruling government. Even Jesus's disciples didn't get it and expected Jesus to liberate Israel from Roman rule. But... post the resurrection they came to understand that God had fulfilled the Davidic Covenant in another way. Yes, a descendent of David would rule forever, but His kingdom would not be defined by geographic borders or landmarks.

Jesus came not just as any ruler -but as the King of all kings and the Lord of all lords. His kingdom knows no end in either space or time, transcending and domineering over all the governments and dynasties of all the world.

Yes, that is the view from the airplane, but this concept hit much closer to home as I have been reading through my advent devotional. The revolution of who is in control of my life was hard-fought for and won on the cross, but my sinful nature still revolts and refuses to submit to the One I call "Lord."

I like being in charge of my life. I want to call the shots and arrogantly assume that I know what's best for me and those I love. I expect not to be inconvenienced and desire everyone to bend and bow to my authority. And, in doing so, I expect to be treated and served a certain way . . . Whether behind the wheel or in the checkout line, at home or at work, without intention, but by nature (my old, sinful, nature), my pride and my entitlement fights with the One who I was created to submit my will.

His Kingdom authority is where I find the most freedom. Under His rule and reign I find true, pure hope. He is the Prince of Peace and by His government the peace I enjoy is beyond sweet - my conflict with my holy, righteous God is over and, as a result, I can go to sleep at night feeling the peaceful assurance of His presence. He provides. He protects. He does all the things a good governing body should do.

Think about it. Think about what we expect from our governments. Whether local, state or federal there are specific services we want them to do for us. According to the Constitution, these duties that the government provides are done so to protect our rights. Many Americans and many Christians look to politics and government leaders to provide the things only God can give. And just like anything that begins and ends with man's capabilities we will eventually be let down.

This is why Jesus' kingdom, His rule and His authority is so much better. The government will be upon His shoulder. He is the best Ruler. Because of who He is, He can handle all the responsibility that comes with ruling and He does it with the same loving, perfection that He does everything.

By His patient grace, He handles all my revolts, never harshly, but always faithfully, reminding me that He is in charge, He knows best, and He can manage the responsibility of ruling my life.

There is a government that can handle all society's ills. There is a King that has the capabilities to rule with an amazing balance of justice and love, the world as a whole AND my heart.

He wasn't appointed King. He was born that way, not in a throne room, but a manger. Isaiah prophesied that "the government would be upon His shoulder."

Baby King Jesus come reign in me.

Mindfully Eating

Gluten-free, Dairy-free, Nut-free . . . Low fat, fat free . . . Protein, Carbs, Antioxidants . . .

Lately, as I am mindfully, intentionally trying to make "a million little decisions," (see my last post) I find myself reading more and more nutritional labels on just about everything. I even find myself paying attention to the calorie count on menus in restaurants.

The idea of "going on a diet" has never been appealing to me. I mean, does it really appeal to anyone?! If you tell me I can't eat something, that something becomes the only thing I want. Besides, diets just don't seem practical for long-term, real-life living.

So, for me, I am trying to approach my food decisions with the idea of moderation. Sodas and sweets but smaller portions and only so much. Bread and pasta but less of it. Small protein-packed snacks often because my husband and daughters can tell you I am not at all pretty or the least bit kind when I am "hangry."

Saturday, for example, I knew my husband and I would have a date night. Dinner would be out and without kids. I decided to eat a smarter breakfast and then a salad for lunch. At dinner I didn't think twice when we ordered cheesy naan with our Indian food entrees.

Food - what I eat, how and when I eat it - has now consistently become something that requires much more thought and planning and consideration. I would even say that this kind of intentionality has become habitual.

I was contemplating this new "hobby" of mine when I came across this quote on Instagram about Bible reading:

"This means taking in his words at a more reflective and enjoyable (you might even say 'leisurely') pace - rather than rushing through to cover as much ground as possible. I remind myself that the goal is to find food for my soul . . . not check reading plan boxes and just avail my mind of additional biblical data. Call it 'eating-mindfully' . . . whatever you call it, finding a slower pace goes hand in hand with faithfully gathering a day's portion." -David Mathis, (Desiring God, 9-2-18)

This reminded me of the Israelites that were to only gather one day's portion of manna as they were wandering in the desert. In the book of Deuteronomy, Moses explains that the reason for the manna and its portion restrictions, were to teach God's people to know that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. (Duet. 8:3)

Like the Israelites, I need a daily portion and I need it to LIVE. What kind of portion am I surviving on?

Living on this side of the cross and at this point in HIStory, we have the Word of God conveniently wrapped and packaged for us in all kinds of ways. However, with all its ease and accessibility, I take it for granted and still not "eat" it wisely. I believe we still need to read the labels, do some research and make sure we are getting quality stuff when we study God's Word. 

Just because the packaging is pretty or the "Christian" you know on Facebook has given her endorsement, it may not be solid in it's theology. Anything out there professing to be Godly needs to measured against the Word of God itself - we can't settle for anything else. 

AND - confession time- I need to make sure when I am taking in God's Word that I am studying it on a level that will challenge me. I need to be chewing on a passage that is hard for me to understand or difficult for me to apply. I need this solid food to grow. 

Didn't Paul write about believers needing more than milk? I like milk. I am used to milk. It's a comfort food for me and makes me feel good - especially with hot, fresh from the oven chocolate-chip cookies! 

The question for me is how am I approaching God's Word? Is my Bible reading only motivated by my desire to scratch something else off my to-do list? Am I only reading it to prep for Bible study I am teaching? Or am I reading it, searching in it, for what it is that God wants to speak to my soul today?

Not having that kind of Bible reading experience you want? Join me in my prayer that God will open our eyes to see and consume His Word the way He intends for us. I believe His Word in John where He tells us we don't have because we don't ask AND that if we seek Him we will find Him. 

Why do I believe these things? I read it -over and over again - in His Word until it finally sinks in and I am able to digest in a way that continues to do my heart good . . . 

Besides if I am going to use so much brain power and time focused on the physical food I am putting into my physical body, I think it is time to devote some additional brain power and time to focus on what I am feeding my soul. How about you?

Answering "Yes"

Sometimes, as a parent I feel like all I ever say is "no."

Sometimes, it seems like my kids have lost their common sense to ask me some of the things that they ask me.

Sometimes, they realize this before they ever ask. Anyone of them will preface their question with the phrase, "I know what you're gonna say, but ________."

My response to this last tactic is to ask them back, "Then why are you asking me?!"

The thing is, I think they know something. Not that it is likely that I will change precedent, but that they know that I WANT to say "yes."

I want to make them happy, to give them what they want, and to enthusiastically grant their wishes. (Even if their greatest wish at that moment is to eat a large bowl of ice-cream 5 minutes before dinner - I mean, who doesn't want to eat dessert first?!)

As our perfect, heavenly Father I believe God wants the same thing we do as parents. He wants to say "yes!"

We can trust that He will always say the right thing to us at the right time. He is always faithful to keep His word to provide for us what, when and how -whatever we need - most often without our "pleases" and "thank yous."

Too often I come to Him with my long grocery list of requests, some more sincere and heartfelt than others. Too often I come to Him assuming I know how He is going to answer my prayers before I ask them - if I decide to ask them at all. My lack of faith paralyzes me from even uttering many prayers . . .
Yet, He still wants me to pray, to ask, to seek Him.

If I want God to answer a prayer with a "yes" how then should I pray?

What are the prayers that God always answers "yes" to?

Anytime I have asked for more of Him - His presence, His wisdom, His glory, His Being - He has always shown up, revealing Himself to me, growing my faith and opening my eyes to Him.

Anytime I have confessed my sin - my pride, my prejudices, my desire for lesser things - He has always been faithful to forgive me, to restore me and to change me.

Anytime I have been hurt or lonely or afraid and I have simply whispered His name - He has always been there, proving His presence to me and giving me hope to press on.

How does He do it? How does He communicate all of that to me?

At times through worship or an encouraging friend's kind words - but always, always, always through His Word.

If I want to pray prayers that God will answer with a "yes" I need to know how to pray - not to get my desired results, but His. How do I know what God desires? By being in His Word, by reading how Jesus prayed, by learning His character . . .

Although, my tendency is not to approach Bible study and Bible reading this way. I want to check it off my to do list or add to my list of religious accomplishments - not really glean an applicable truth for my life.

I came across this quote recently on Instagram:

"...taking in his words at a more reflective and enjoyable (you might even say 'leisurely') pace - rather than rushing through to cover as much ground as possible. I remind myself that the goal is to find food for my soul . . . not check boxes and just avail my mind of additional biblical data . . Call it 'eating mindfully'. . . whatever you call it, finding a slower pace goes hand-in-hand with faithfully gathering a day's portion." - David Mathis

I realized that in my task-oriented day with my long list of responsibilities it is easy for me to miss what I really need when I read God's Word. As my loving, Heavenly Father, He wants to speak to me. He wants to spend quality time with me. Like a child with a short attention span or an easily distracted teen, I trade this opportunity for an audience with the King of the World for lesser things. 

When I am honest with myself and with Him - I don't want the kind of relationship He wants to have with me. I want the things He can give me or do for me. I don't want Him. This is painfully evident in an objective look in how I pray . . . SO often I pray and "obey" thinking He doesn't already know my real motives. My prayers are feeble attempts to manipulate Him into giving me "yeses" for the things I want.

1 Chronicles 16:11 tells me to "Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually." In all transparency - I don't want to do that. That does not sound like fun. That seems boring. 

So, what should I do? I have found to ask God something that He will always answer with a "yes." 

Anytime, any of us asks Him to give us a deeper, more real desire to be with Him, to be in His word, to want to want Him - He always answers "YES!"

The process of how He answers that prayer may be hard and even painful. Deuteronomy 30:6 tells us: "And the Lord your God will circumcise your heart and the heart of your off-spring, so that you will love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul, that you may live." 

Obviously, I have never experienced physical circumcision. I do know that it involves cutting. I can imagine that it could be very painful in very sensitive ways. This spiritual circumcision of our hearts is no different. 

What does God use to cut out the bad parts of our hearts, the parts that want the gifts but not the Giver? 

His Word. Check out Hebrews 4:12: "For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, discerning the thoughts and intensions of the heart."

Now that's sharp. 

And it's another reason to be in, really in - His Word. 

Notice that as parents, that the above verse from Deuteronomy says that God will circumcise the hearts of our off-spring as well. As we read and are in the Word, we must expose our kids to it too. As much as I want God to answer my prayers with "yeses" I want Him to answer their prayers that way too . . . How am I teaching them to pray? How am I teaching them to read God's Word? What is the example that I am setting?

I want to answer my kids with "yes," and I want God to answer me with "yes." What's the condition of my heart? What does His Word say about it? Is it about me and what I want OR is it all about Him and what He wants?

Prayer and Bible study go hand-in-hand and are both necessities of spiritual growth. How we pray and what we pray for is directly impacted by what we learn from what God communicates to us in His Word.