Big Deal, Big Day

I remember when I used to think 40 was old.

Then Wally turned 40 and it didn't seem THAT old. Now, it's nearly 3 years in my past and 40 doesn't seem old at all anymore.

Today is the day that 50 no longer seems THAT old. Yep, today Wally is 50 years old, half a century, five decades . . .

He threatened me not to plan anything special for his birthday and I promised him I wouldn't. That would be my gift to him, not making a big deal out of his big day. If you know him at all, then you know that is the perfect gift for him.

Wally has never wanted a celebration for his birthday. He would be happiest if we just ignored it and just kept swimming through life. He doesn't want the recognition. He doesn't need the validation. He likes the appreciation, but receives it best in small, sincere portions.

For years I have told him that he is important to us and definitely worth the hoopla of cake, candles and gifts. For years, he has humored me and played along, but he has only longed for the hubbub of the day to end and for the normalcy of March 4 to commence.

I normally try to find a birthday card and had pretty good luck on Valentine's, but this year I didn't even try. (Especially after my fruitless card search on our anniversary!) Honestly, I hope that these words here, might try to convey what I am thinking and feeling on this major milestone birthday.

Our marriage is special. Our relationship is unique. My husband truly is one-of-a-kind. God uses Wally to make it so. He designed me for him and him for me. He is the God of details and in His sovereignty, leaves nothing to chance or happy coincidence.

So often, I try to explain this to Wally, how I feel about him and how blessed I am to call him my husband. I want to add more descriptive words calling him my best friend and telling him that he is my favorite person to spend time with. I tell him how I trust his counsel and respect his Biblical knowledge. My feelings for him have only deepened over time and my appreciation of his hands-on approach to parenting has only grown. He truly shares the household responsibilities with me and we both often look at the other, commenting on how we are glad we are in this thing together.

Lately, as I have contemplated Wally's fulfillment of the role of husband, I realize that I don't need him to be my best friend, or my teammate. Somehow, somewhere the role of husband and dad has been cheapened in our culture and society. Whether it is the "dumb dad" stereotype in sitcoms or the emasculated, follow-the-strong-woman part many men succumb to in the relationship - there seems to be a disconnect from what a husband is Biblically supposed to be from what a husband has become.

Wally may have been a little older when we married. He has not yet been married even half of his life, but in his pursuit of Jesus, he epitomizes what I understand a Biblical husband and father to be. He loves me as Christ does. He gives up his wants and desires to see mine fulfilled. He speaks truth to my heart. He apologizes to our daughters without condition. He serves us with no task being beneath his masculinity.

The name "husband" should mean all of these things. The name and role should not be cheapened by our contemporary culture that is challenging and changing so very much.  When a Biblical worldview is skewed, then everything is up for grabs. The definition of marriage is now negotiable in certain circles and some people believe their gender can be whatever they want to identify it as. While these topics have become hot button issues in denominations and politics, the degradation of the role of husband has been much more subtle.

I appreciate the strong, quiet way Wally loves mercy, seeks justice and walks humbly with his God. He pushes back against the stereotypes in how he fulfills his manly role as a husband. Wally may always be in the minority in his generation, he may not realize how rare his faith walk truly is, and he may never realize the God-given value he invests in others by what he models.

Jokingly, I have said our daughters need to marry men that cook and iron like their daddy. But, all joking aside, Wally has set the bar incredibly high. We do pray that if it be God's will for the girls to marry, that they would marry men who understand and hold to the Biblical definition or who a husband is and what a husband does.

Wally doesn't see what the big deal is all about. He assumes that he is just doing what all "Christian" husbands do. Just like his birthday, he doesn't want to be fussed over or made much of. It isn't mock humility. It is simply who Wally is.

I get it. He is a big deal. I am thankful for his birthday today and I appreciate the opportunity to celebrate who he is and the man God is making him to be. I am blessed to be on this journey with this remarkable man. I am beyond blessed to call James Wallace Vinson, my husband.

HBD Wally. I love you so.

Blessing of Brain Battles

Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

I have always appreciated the way Wally and I could just "be" together. There doesn't have to be constant conversation or even distracting background noise. We are just comfortable with each other in the silence.

When we were first a couple, I would ask him what he was thinking about. When he would respond with, "nothing," I would find it impossible to believe. After all, in the quiet my mind had raced and rambled over at least a dozen topics and potential scenarios. It wasn't long into our relationship, when I came to accept the truth: he really can think about "nothing."

Another one of the many things that differentiates us in our marriage, is the amazing way Wally can compartmentalize his thoughts. When he's at work, he's at work. When he returns home, he can shut off work and be at home. When he's ready to relax, he does and he can think about "nothing," turning off his thoughts and not thinking. He can not stress about anything else.

On the other hand, there is me. When I am at home, I will think about what I need to do at work. When I am at work, I will think about what I need to do at home. When there could be a small window to relax, I can't because my mind is too busy thinking of all the other things that need to be done. OR - when I try to relax there is an all-too-familiar feeling of guilt, because of my inability to turn off my brain.

The internal dialogue in my mind is exhausting all by itself, but when emotions are mixed into the batter, the finished product is either burnt beyond recognition or left a soggy, raw, goopy mess.

This tendency is something I know I have passed on to my second born daughter.

I love how God gave her such passion. However, the ways her passions fluctuate are exhausting and overwhelming for her father and me. We often pine over how she must feel. For Piper, it is either the BEST day ever OR the WORST day ever - but - she can instantaneously go from one to the other and, without warning, back again. To call her "dramatic" would be an understatement. High maintenance? At times, most definitely, but never for very long. Her emotions make her complex, but because of their high intensity, we never have to wonder how she is feeling. We can simply watch how she enters the room, dragging and moaning or skipping and singing.

If I am honest, I am jealous of Wally's male mental abilities.
If I am honest, I know my emotions, while not as clearly visible as Piper's, have the same ability to rule and reign every aspect of my life.
If I am honest, I cannot deny that my jealousy and my inability to master my emotions are sinful.

Jealousy undoubtedly goes back to the 10th commandment where we are clearly told not to envy. Jealousy says that I am not satisfied with what God has given me. Jealousy proves that I feel that I deserve more.

Emotions, in and of themselves, are not bad, wrong or sinful per se, but left unchecked they can produce all kinds of havoc. My five year old had every right to be angry with my 15 year old. I couldn't fault her for that - the problem she had was that her anger ruled over her as she began to physically hit her sister in that anger. She sinned against her big sister by whaling on her. She sinned against God by giving into her anger and allowing that to be her motivation.

Like David writes in Psalm 51 - my sin is first and foremost against God. Yes, I should apologize for holding a grudge against Wally, but things can't be made right until I ask my Heavenly Father for forgiveness too.

The internal dialogue in my mind is most definitely, most of the time, a chaotic battlefield.

Thoughts that won't end. Emotions that fuel more thoughts. Satan knowing and attacking my most vulnerable insecurities. Desires to please God, but more emotions that scream of my incapabilities. Then there are hormones that demand attention. While I have never been in an actual, physical war - God's Word tells me that I am most definitely in a spiritual one. The frontline is in my brain.

However, His Word also tells me that He has won the war. With Jesus' resurrection, the final outcome has been irrevocably settled. The Good Guy won. By the faith through grace that He has given me, I have the promise of ultimate victory as well. There will be an end to the chaos in my head because He rules my heart.

The presence of His Spirit within me, is my not-so-secret weapon. I do not fight on my own strength or by my own capabilities. When I seek Him first, He illuminates Satan's lies for what they are, He throws me lifelines of truth to cling to from His Word, and He overwhelms me with the peace I so desperately need in the midst of the fight.

I am SO thankful, God didn't save me and just shrug his shoulders, say "Good luck, see you in heaven!" and walk away. Instead, He actively, intimately uses every aspect of the internal struggle within me to teach me and make me more like Jesus.

While I do envy Wally's ability to turn-it-all-off, I can and should thank God that the endless strain of stressful thoughts force me to depend upon Him. The mess of emotions compel me to dump my crazy on Him. Combined, they grow my faith, showing me that He can handle it. They truly teach me that His load is easy and His burden is light. They do all this and more.

So instead of wishing I was more like my man, I should thank God that I am not. I should appreciate this internal struggle for the many ways it grows my faith and my dependance on Him. I know I could not have learned these truths any other way.

Thank You God for internal struggle that wars within me.
Thank You God for the way it compels me to turn to You.
Thank You God for the assurance that battle will indeed end.
Thank You God for the ultimate victory to be had.

Holding On And Letting Go

Photo by Milada Vigerova

He had only been gone for 15 or so minutes when the phone rang. I had been enjoying the slow start to my Saturday and reading the news on my phone when his picture popped up. Swiping left, I answered his call. What could he had forgotten? He didn't really need anything to help the sweet church lady move into a smaller place.

I could tell instantly by the tone in his voice something wasn't quite right. His words were coming at my ears faster than I could comprehend what he was saying. "A cut . . . a china cabinet . . . I'm okay . . . headed to the ER at Exit 11 . . ."

Trying to assimilate the facts, I stammered out a question or two, still not able to ascertain what had happened. Did he want me to come? Was he sure he was "okay"? Did he think anything was broken?

I was to stay with the girls. He did not want me to come. I needed to wait. He kept saying he was okay.

About an hour and half later, he was on his way home and called again. Eight stitches. The full story - trying to clear the top of the moving van, holding the upper half of Mrs. Evans' china cabinet with the pastor, he slipped, landing on his knees, dropping the solid piece of furniture. It "just happened" to miss crushing his left-hand.

Yes, there had been a lot of blood.
No, he hadn't damaged the furniture.
Yes, it could have been a lot worse.
No, he didn't mean to get out of all the work by injuring himself on the first trip from the house to the truck.

I found myself looking at him randomly all afternoon and into the evening, silently praying, thanking God for His protection, for answering my prayers after the first phone call, and for taking care of my husband in ways I cannot.

At one point, Wally asked me why I kept looking at him "like that." My answer caught in my throat as the realization of what I was feeling bubbled to the surface. As I uttered the words, I fought to keep the hot tears from streaming down my face.

"Believe me, I am very aware that you are the exact age your older brother was when he died."

Saturday, I was faced with my very healthy husband's vulnerability, and, if I am honest, my greatest fear - that he would be taken from me.

On Sunday morning, as I stumbled from my bedroom into the kitchen to start the coffee, I had the fleeting moment when I had forgotten that my oldest daughter spent the weekend away on a church retreat. Seeing her door open and knowing that her bedroom was empty sent a numbing thought through my bleary, barely-awake brain - it wouldn't be long until I awake every morning to find her space empty. College may be a little over two years away, but they will be the fastest two years of my life.

Riley will be gone and the great responsibility to parent and disciple her will look vastly different. Right now, at least I have some kind of control and a greater influence to speak into her life-choices. As she has grown and gotten older, I have realized that she has to learn who she is and be able to make more and more decisions on her own. As she slowly stretches her wings, she has to face her own consequences for those decisions and my role her life, while it doesn't necessarily diminish, it has to change.

This is a hard truth pill to swallow.

She is not the little girl with the Star Wars fascination and collection of small lions she played with in her room. She needs me, but not in the same ways. I miss the grade-school kid she was, but I do love the young woman she is becoming too. I want to hold on to her, but I know I must let her go as well.

Holding on and letting go is a balancing act I am facing with my youngest daughter too. She is set -completely ready in every aspect possible - to start kindergarten in August. Due to the age gaps in between all three of our girls, it will be the first time in 16 years we have not had a preschooler in the house.

No more babies . . .

As I process all of these things, I realize I have to hold all of these relationships - my marriage, my three girls - in open hands before God.

To grasp onto any or all of them too tightly puts them all in the position of idols in my life. No one truly wants to be anyone's idol. What kid, or spouse for that matter, can handle that kind of pressure? Besides, that gapping place in all of us can't be filled by any one person or group of people. God put that hole in us to seek Him and find that only He can fill that void.

It's a total control issue for me. Control -mixed with my own expectations of how I think things "should" be. I continually set myself up for frustration and disappointment. When things don't go how I think they should, or if they don't respond how I think they ought to, then I am angry and even depressed. There is only One who can ultimately control the outcome and I have found Him completely worthy to trust with how things are "supposed to be."

By placing each of "my" people in outstretched, open palms, offering them to the only One who loves them more than I do - I can let them go. My faith isn't in them - their physical presence with me, or how much they need me, or any other validation I could find in them. My faith is in the One who placed them in my life.

He has plans for them. He hears my prayers for them.  He knows what is best for them. He sustains and keeps them.

He knows what is best for me too. He is using them to make me more like Jesus. He beckons me to trust Him even more with them. He sustains and keeps me too.

I'd like to say that that I have figured out this balancing act between holding on and letting go, but the way my fear washed over me Saturday and how I saddened at the sight of open door on Sunday - I know the struggle is real. I can only imagine how I will feel as the first day of school dawns and I watch my two youngest children shuffle up the stairs into the building - one her first day and the other her last first day of elementary school.

I want to believe. I say I trust Him. But my fears and insecurities betray me. Like the solider who sought Jesus to heal his daughter, I come to Him saying I believe but begging Him to help my unbelief all at the same time.

I don't know what He might ask of me in this process of sanctification. But I do know that He is good and is working good - for me and for those I love most.

The Lack of Anniversary Cards

I thought I would drop into Walgreen's and quickly and grab an anniversary card for my love. I only had a few minutes, but since my children were not in tow, I assumed that it wouldn't take long.

It took longer than I expected.

First, I scoured the selection for "Anniversary Cards for Husbands" and began picking them up and reading them. Not finding anything that really seemed to fit, I moved on to "Anniversary Cards for Us." Again, I was disappointed by the cheesy prose and lousy use of language. I put back card after card knowing that this one wasn't right and that one was simply wrong.

I left the store frustrated and empty-handed. Not that I mind making my man a card, but I really thought I could have simply added my own thoughts to a store-bought sentiment. His love language is "Words of Encouragement" so I already knew that I would want to make whatever I bought personal to speak to our 20 years of marriage.

In the couple of hours that have passed, I have realized why none of the greetings cards worked. They ALL left out the third and the most important member of our marriage covenant to each other. All the cards were void of any mention of the God who made my groom, Wally, and I one.

In many of the cards, the gushing words, while extremely sincere, communicate a huge amount of responsibility onto the spouse. Our husbands are never meant to "complete us," "be our rock," or "the source of all our happiness." If I approach my man this way, I am asking him to fulfill a role in my life that only God can. If I do this, he is set up to fail and I am poised to be disappointed.

But when I find my completion, my rock and my happiness in God, I free Wally to be the man God created him to be - not some impossible, super-human facade I have concocted in my dreams. And freeing Wally from those expectations, God has given me an Ephesians 3:20 husband - he is immeasurably more than I could ever ask for or imagine.

God, through Wally, has changed my definition of who a husband is and what a husband does.

Marriage, between a man and a woman, was God's design from the very start of creation. Making both in His image, the groom and the bride have unique and important roles to fulfill. Our society and culture through the generations of my family and media-hyped fairy tales, led me to expect Wally to be and do things in particular ways. These expectations of mine made our first couple of years of marriage really rough on both of us.

Yet, God's grace is SO good.

As HE has grown us to be more like Him, HE has grown us closer together. When we are each individually focused on Him, HE reinforces the bond between the three of us.

Our marriage is what it is not because we gutted it out or did anything on our own. Our marriage is good because of the way God has worked in us. We have seen 20 years together because of what God has done and what He continues to do. It is His provision and His protection.

Marriage itself is intended to be symbolic of Jesus and His relationship with His Bride, The Church. By asking God to intervene and protect our marriage, we are inviting God to be Lord over it. By protecting and growing our marriage, God is protecting and proclaiming Jesus' reputation and relationship with The Church. When Wally and I are both pursuing God's will, God will make sure He is glorified in our marriage relationship.

None of the cards I read acknowledged these truths.

I wanted to buy a card that thanks my husband for the way he pursues God, for the way he points me to God and for the way he personifies God the Father to our daughters.

This is what we celebrate when we go out to eat for our anniversary. We remember what God has done for us. We thank Him for how He has provided and protected. We dream about the plans He has for us. We acknowledge His crucial role in our marriage.

Maybe there were no cards that "fit" for our anniversary because too many couples are lacking this sustaining third Person in their marriages?

There is no secret to our marriage. It is our shared prayer that our relationship will only loudly proclaim God's goodness and grace. In the ups and through the downs, may He alone be shown in the love story He is writing with our lives.

I will write Wally. I will give him my thoughts on our anniversary. I will be sappy and share an inside joke or two with my best friend. I will make sure he feels appreciated and valued. But my words to him will be laced with how God has, is, and will continue to sustain us.

God's Anniversary Present to Us

I don't want to forget a thing about this past weekend.

It was absolutely perfect and a perfect reminder of just how good our God is.

Lemme explain . . .

Twenty years ago when we married, Wally and I decided that we would spend our 20th anniversary where we were blessed to honeymoon. Well, real life happened and a return trip to Maui was not in the cards this year.

But we couldn't let our December anniversary date slip into the holiday fog of obligations and responsibilities, only to be procrastinated into a later celebration that may or may not happen - not this year, not for our 20th anniversary . . .

So months ago we began to plan and anticipate a weekend away from home, daughters and distractions. I suggested we do something we had always wanted to do, but never seemed to be able to make a priority . . . We would visit Neyland Stadium and cheer on the Tennessee Vols.

Wally made the hotel reservations and bought the tickets. I packed the girls' bags and made the arrangements to spend the nights with their friends.

From the time we left the county every little detail seemed to just fall into place. At every turn we saw God's goodness and His grace. The traffic was easy. The room was nice. The conversation between us flowed.

We ate delicious food at a couple of neat Knoxville places, sampling the dishes in front of the other without having to cut up anyone else's food or coax them into taking one more bite.

Walking onto campus we followed University of Tennessee's quarterback's parents to "The Vol Walk" where we cheered the football players' and coaches' arrival to the stadium. We watched the band descend on the stadium and found where The Vol Navy was docked or anchored in the river under the  bluest sky we had seen in weeks.

When we made our way to our ticketed spots we found that "our" seats just "happened" to include the cushioned and backed stadium seats. We took off our coats and soaked up the heat of the sun for the entire first half.

Yes, the second half was a lot cooler but our guys were winning and somehow the cold didn't seem so cold. We stayed for the band to play "The Tennessee Waltz" to the players after their upset win over a ranked rival team from the state north of ours.

As we left, the fans were still chanting and cheering. Our voices were a little hoarse, but neither of us minded. We walked into downtown Knoxville and found we did not have to wait for a table at this cool, hip, tapas and tacos place.

More than once over the course of our time together, we just kept marveling at how God seemed to be blessing our little trip will lots of little extras that seemed to just be that - little extra blessings.

Why would God do that? Why would He bless us with all these seemingly insignificant "extras" all weekend long?

He is still good, and most definitely still God, if we wait for a table or don't have nice soft seats for our bums. Eternity is not altered by our enjoyment of His weather or how tasty the chicken biscuit was at breakfast.

However all weekend long, we both chose to acknowledge God as the Giver of all these good gifts. From the families that took care of our children to the unexpected win of our favorite team, we both were intentional to thank God for His provisions. He seemed to do immeasurable more than we had asked or imagined. (Eph. 3:20)

I firmly believe that God delights in giving us good things. Just as we delight in seeing our kids enjoy the gifts we give them, God loves to see us enjoy the blessings He gives us.

I firmly believe that there is no such thing as luck. Wally and I weren't lucky on our trip. We were blessed over and over again.

I firmly hope that God was glorified over and over again as we acknowledged each blessing a long the way - that He was delighted in us as we delighted in Him.

Since returning, I have been asked several times about our trip. I honestly can't imagine it going any better. I could not have written a better time. My expectations were exceeded by my God who gifted us with the best anniversary gift.

That's my God - an amazing gift giver who is even greater than the greatest gifts He gives.

He showed me in countless ways that He loves us, pursues us and does good things for us.

I know we don't deserve this attention from Him much less His attention to details in our lives, yet He goes above and beyond to see to all of the littlest things. If I open my eyes, I can see where He is at work everyday doing countless things to show me that love. I just had to get away to see it this past weekend . . .

Yes, I had an amazing time with my amazing husband. We experienced a lot and had the best time. We made some great memories - but I want to make sure I don't forget the role God played in it all. That's the memory I want to hold to the longest . . .